Lili Elbe Digital Archive

Chapter 18

Many weeks later Lili recalled to herself her first encounter with Andreas ' sister in the quiet villa by the Gentofter Lake . She began to keep a diary, in order to render an account of her activities and her new beginning of life. The first shocks of her week at Copenhagen were a thing of the past. She had again found peace and even a certain gaiety. She had even had strength to read through the notes which Andreas ' friend in Berlin had made rather less than six months before, at the time when Andreas related the story of his life to his friend throughout a night. Her sister 's son , a young medical student, had encouraged her to start making her own notes. "You would render a service," he said, "to yourself and many other people if you would now record your thoughts and feelings, just at this time when you want to prepare for serious creative work." Also the Professor , her distant helper, had advised her to try to write down a record of her life and experience.

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Viele Wochen später hat Lili ihr erstes Zusammentreffen mit Andreas ' Schwester draussen in der stillen Villa am Gentofte See sich selber wiedererzählt. Sie begann ein Tagebuch zu führen, um sich selber Rechenschaft abzulegen über ihr Tun und Treiben und ihren neuen Lebensbeginn. Die ersten Erschütterungen ihrer Kopenhagener Wochen lagen hinter ihr. Sie hatte wieder Ruhe und auch etwas Fröhlichkeit gefunden. Und sie hatte auch schon Kraft gehabt, jene Aufzeichnungen durchzulesen, die Andreas ' Freund in Berlin vor kaum ~~anderhalb~~ einem halben Jahr en gemacht hatte, damals, als Andreas eine ganze, lange Nacht dem Freund sein Leben erzählt e ~~hatte~~ . Der Sohn ihrer Schwester , ein junger werdender Mediziner, hatte sie ermuntert, nun mit ihren eigenen Aufzeichnungen zu beginnen. "Du kannst viel Gutes damit tun," hatte er gesagt, "dir und vielen anderen Menschen, wenn du jetzt dein Denken und Fühlen festhältst, gerade in dieser Zeit, wo du dich selber zu ernster, schaffender Arbeit vorbereiten willst."

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Many weeks later Lili recalled to herself her first meeting with Andreas ' sister out in the quiet villa on Gentofte Lake . She began keeping a diary to keep account of her activities and her new beginning of life. The first tremors of her weeks in Copenhagen were behind her. She had found calm and some happiness again. And she already had the strength to go through the records that Andreas ' friend had made in Berlin barely half a year ago, back when Andreas had narrated his life to his friend all night long. The son of her sister , a young, aspiring doctor, had encouraged her to begin with her own recordings now. "You can do a lot of good with that," he had said, "for you and for other people, if you would capture your thoughts and feelings now, especially in this time in which you want to prepare yourself for serious, creative work."

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Mange Uger efter Lili s første Møde med Andreas ' Søster ude i den stille Villa ved den lille Sø i Byens nærmeste Omegn begyndte hun at føre Dagbog. Hun følte en bydende Trang til at gøre sig selv Regnskab for sit nye Livs første Begyndelse. Rystelsen ved Ankomsten til København laa bag hende. Hun havde genvundet sin Ro, og hun var i en lysere Stemning. Hun havde endda haft Mod til at gennemlæse Niels ' Optegnelse af det Skriftemaal, som hun i Berlin havde aflagt for sine Venner ...... Nu laa denne Nat et halvt Aar tilbage i Tiden. Hendes Søstersøn , en vordende, ung Læge, havde opmuntret hende til at nedskrive sine Oplevelser og sine Følelser.

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— Du kan gøre meget godt ved det, havde han sagt. Du kan maaske hjælpe Dig selv og andre ved netop nu i denne Periode, hvor Du forbereder Dig til at tage et alvorligt Arbejde op, at nedskrive, hvad Du tænker og føler.

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Many weeks after Lili 's first meeting with Andreas ' sister out in the quiet villa by the little lake in the immediate vicinity of the city she began to keep a diary. She felt a compelling urge to keep accounts of the first start of her new life. The shock of the arrival in Copenhagen lay behind her. She had regained her peace and she was in a brighter mood. She had even had the courage to read through Niels ' record of the confession that she had made to her friends in Berlin ...... Now this night lay six months back in time. Her nephew , a young medical student, had encouraged her to write down her experiences and her feelings.

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"You can do a lot of good that way," he had said, "you may be able to help yourself and others now, in this period where you are preparing yourself to take up serious work, by writing down what you think and feel."

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Viele Wochen später hat Lili ihr erstes Zusammentreffen mit Andreas ' Schwester draußen in der stillen Villa am Gentofter See sich selber wiedererzählt. Sie begann ein Tagebuch zu führen, um sich Rechenschaft abzulegen über ihr Tun und Treiben und ihren neuen Lebensbeginn. Die ersten Erschütterungen ihrer Kopenhagener Wochen lagen hinter ihr. Sie hatte wieder Ruhe und auch etwas Fröhlichkeit gefunden. Sie hatte sogar schon Kraft gehabt, jene Aufzeichnungen durchzulesen, die Andreas ' Freund in Berlin vor kaum einem halben Jahr gemacht hatte, damals, als Andreas eine ganze, lange Nacht dem Freund sein Leben erzählte. Der Sohn ihrer Schwester , ein junger werdender Mediziner, hatte sie ermuntert, nun mit ihren eigenen Aufzeichnungen zu beginnen. »Du kannst viel Gutes damit tun«, hatte er gesagt, »dir und vielen anderen Menschen, wenn du jetzt dein Denken und Fühlen festhältst, gerade in dieser Zeit, wo du dich zu ernster, schaffender Arbeit vorbereiten willst.« Auch der Professor , ihr ferner Helfer, hatte ihr den Rat gegeben, zu versuchen, einen Bericht ihres Lebens und Erlebens niederzuschreiben . . .

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Grete was not living with her. She had taken up quarters with acquaintances in the town, as nobody in Copenhagen was supposed for the present to know of Lili 's presence or even to be aware of her existence. Consequently, Grete told everybody who asked after Andreas that he lay seriously ill in a German hospital . . . and she visited her

friends only now and then in secret. Nor would Lili have it otherwise. She hardly dared do more herself than leave the garden in the evening, heavily veiled, with her nephew , to take walks in the neighbourhood under his protection. So far her sole occupation in Copenhagen had been to help Grete to regain her freedom. It was imperative to prevent the least rumour becoming public, and to proceed with all possible discretion in the effort to dissolve Grete 's marriage with Andreas . It was a difficult undertaking, the outcome of which was by no means certain: no law as yet existed which could be invoked to meet such a fantastic case. For as one of the spouses, Andreas , no longer existed, how then could a marriage between a husband who no longer existed and his wife be dissolved? And yet it was precisely to this "normal divorce law" which both the lawyers instructed, and the body of judges to whom the case was assigned for settlement appealed as the sole juridical criterion. This law required that for the period of one year prior to divorce a separation should be enforced, and after the expiration of this year a further year must elapse before the marriage could be absolutely dissolved. In this way Grete would lose two further years. Lili could not endure this thought. She would not have Grete swindled out of two years of her life. And as it seemed that the lawyers could find no other way out of the difficulty, Lili contemplated the drastic step of liberating Grete from the burden of a marriage tie with one who in the eyes of the law was a dead man by her own voluntary death. Then they were assisted by a suggestion from an eminent lawyer

that they should address a petition to the King , praying him to declare invalid, by an act of grace, the marriage once contracted by Grete and Andreas . The petition was delivered at the end of August, and by the end of September Grete and Lili were summoned to appear personally at the hearing. When Grete inquired whether Lili was strong enough to accompany her thence, she declared, beaming with joy: "If I can give you your freedom with so little sacrifice, do you believe that I would think of myself even for a moment?" And this journey to Court was the first common excursion which Grete and Lili undertook. Two ladies appeared before the judges. None but their two lawyers were present. The hearing took place in strict secrecy. The whole proceedings lasted barely half an hour. Lili shrank from describing them, even from recording them. Nor did Grete ever refer to them. And a few days later, on the 6th October, they were apprised of the King 's decree, which declared invalid the marriage concluded between Andreas and Grete .

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Grete wohnte nicht mit ihr zusammen. Sie hatte bei Bekannten in der Stadt Wohnung genommen, denn niemand in Kopenhagen sollte vorläufig von der Anwesenheit Lili s erfahren, niemand sollte vorläufig von ihrer Existenz Kunde erhalten. Deshalb war von Grete allen, die nach Andreas fragten, erzählt worden, er läge in einer deutschen Klinik schwer erkrankt danieder ... Nur heimlich besuchte Grete dann und wann Lili , und Lili wollte es auch nicht anders. Kaum dass sie selber abends, dicht verschleiert, mit dem Sohn von Andreas ' Schwes der Umgebung Spaziergänge ter den Garten zu verlassen wagte, um unter seinem Schutz in der Umgebung Spaziergänge zu unternehmen. Bisher hatte ihre einzige Beschäftigung in Kopenhagen darin bestanden, Grete zur Wiedererlangung ihrer Freiheit zu verhelfen. Grete s Ehe mit Andreas galt es in aller Stille, ohne dass auch nur das geringste darüber in die Öffentlichkeit drang, aufzulösen. Es war ein schwieriges Unternehmen, dessen Erfolg garnicht sicher war , ; ~~denn~~ es gab kein e Gesetz e ~~die~~ das für einen so phantastischen Fall hätte n , ~~berücksichtigen~~ herangezogen werden können. Denn einer der Ehepart en ner , Andreas , existierte ja nicht mehr, wie also ~~hätte~~ sollte man eine Ehe zwischen einem nicht mehr existierenden Ehegatten und dessen Frau ~~geschieden werden können~~ scheiden . ? Und doch war

es gerade dieses "normale Ehescheidungsgesetz", auf das sowohl die beauftragten Rechtsanwälte wie auch das Richterkollegium, denen die Angelegenheit zur Erledigung übergeben worden war, als einzige

Handhaber

Regularized form: Handhabe

sich glaubten berufen zu können, Dieses Gesetz verlangt, dass bei einer Ehescheidung vorher, für die Zeit eines Jahres, eine Separation, das heisst eine Trennung von Tisch und Bett, ausgesprochen wird, und erst nach Ablauf dieses Jahres ein weiteres Jahr verstreichen muss, bevor die Ehe rechtsgültig geschieden ~~sein~~ werden kann. Danach würde Grete erst in zwei Jahren geschieden sein können.

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Lili ertrug diesen Gedanken nicht. Sie wollte Grete nicht um zwei neue Jahre ihres Lebens betrügen. Und da es aussah, als könne von den Juristen kein anderer Ausweg gefunden werden, da trug sich Lili mit dem harten Entschluss, durch ihren Freitod Grete von der Last eines, nur noch vor dem Gesetz bestehenden Ehepaktes mit einem - Verstorbenen zu befreien. Da kam ihnen beiden der Ratschlag eines ergebenen Juristen zu Hilfe, nämlich eine Bittschrift an den König zu richten, damit er durch einen ~~als~~ Gnadenakt die einst zwischen Grete und Andreas geschlossene Ehe für ungültig erkläre. Das Bittgesuch wurde eingereicht. Dies war Ende August, und schon Ende September wurden Grete und Lili zu einem Gerichtstermin geladen, wo sie beide persönlich zu erscheinen hatten. Als Grete sie fragte, ob sie auch die Kraft habe, mit ihr dorthin zu gehen, erklärte Lili freudestrahlend: "Kann ich mit so geringem Opfer dir deine Freiheit schenken, glaubst du, dass ich auch nur einen Augenblick an mich denken dürfte?"

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Und diese Fahrt ins Gericht war die erste gemeinsame Ausfahrt von Lili und Grete . Zwei Damen erschienen vor den Richtern. Nur noch die beiden Anwälte waren zugegen. Der Termin wurde vor der Öffentlichkeit streng geheimgehalten. Der ganze Gerichtsakt währte ~~währte~~ dauerte kaum eine halbe Stunde. Ihn zu beschreiben, ihn auch nur wiederzuerzählen, scheute sich Lili . Auch Grete hat nie darüber gesprochen. Und wenige Tage später, am 6. Oktober, wurde ihnen beiden der Erlass des König s bekanntgegeben, wonach die zwischen Andreas und Grete Sparre geschlossene Ehe für ungültig erklärt wurde.

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Grete did not live with her. She had taken up residence with acquaintances in the city, because no one in Copenhagen was supposed to know of Lili 's presence for the moment, nobody was supposed to receive news of Lili 's existence for now. That was why everyone who asked about Andreas was told by Grete that he was lying in a German clinic struck by a bad illness ... Grete visited Lili only in secret now and then, and Lili did not want it any other way. No sooner than she dared leaving the garden together with her sister 's son to go on walks in the surroundings under his protection, densely veiled. Until now her only occupation in Copenhagen had been to help Grete to win her freedom back. Grete 's marriage to Andreas was supposed to be annulled quietly and in secret. It was a difficult undertaking, the success of which was by no means certain; no law existed, that could be consulted. Because one of the spouses, Andreas , no longer existed, so how could a marriage between a non-existent spouse and his wife be dissolved? And yet it

was this "normal divorce law" which both the hired lawyers as well as the collegiate of judges, to whom the issue was assigned, thought was the only thing to refer to in handling the issue. This law demanded that for the time of one year prior to divorce a separation, meaning a separation of bed and table, must be announced, and another year has to pass, before the marriage could be lawfully dissolved. With that Grete could only be divorced after two years.

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Lili could not bear the thought. She did not want to cheat Grete out of two years of her life. And since it looked as if the lawyers could find no other way out, she was determined to free Grete from the burden of a marriage that, before the law, was with a dead person. The two of them were aided by the advice of a dedicated lawyer , namely to address a petition to the King , so that through an act of mercy he might declare the marriage of Andreas and Grete invalid. That petition was submitted. That was in late August, and in late September Grete and Lili were summoned to a court date, where both had to appear in person. When Grete asked her if she would have the strength to go there with her, Lili declared, beaming with joy: "If I can give you your freedom with such a small sacrifice, do you think that I could think of myself for just one moment?"

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And this trip to court was the first excursion Lili and Grete took together. Two ladies appeared in front of the judges. Only the two lawyers were present. The date was kept strictly secret from the public. The whole court proceedings took barely half an hour. Lili dreaded describing it, to even just recounting it. Grete , too, never spoke of it. And a few days later, on October 6, both were told of the King 's decree, in accordance to which the marriage between Andreas and Grete Sparre was declared invalid.

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Grete boede ikke sammen med dem. Hun havde taget Ophold hos nogle Venner i København , hvor ingen foreløbig maatte ane noget om Lili , hendes Ankomst og hendes Tilværelse. Derfor fortalte Grete alle, der spurgte om Andreas , at han laa alvorlig syg paa en Klinik i Tyskland ...... Kun i al Hemmelighed besøgte Grete nu og da Lili , der ikke vilde have det anderledes. Det var knapt nok, at hun selv engang imellem om Aftenen vovede sig uden for Haven og under sin Søstersøn s Beskyttelse foretog en Spadseretur i Omegnen.

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Hidtil havde hendes eneste Opgave i København været at hjælpe Grete til at genvinde Friheden. Det gjaldt om i største Hemmelighed, uden at Offentligheden fik nys om det, at faa Grete s Ægteskab med Andreas ophævet. Det var en meget vanskelig Sag, hvis Udfald var meget usikkert, thi der fandtes ingen Lovbestemmelser om et saa fantastisk Tilfælde, som ingen Lovgiver havde kunnet, forudse. Den ene af Ægtefællerne, Andreas Sparre , eksisterede jo ikke mere. Hvorledes skulde man da bære sig ad med at skille en Hustru fra en ikke eksisterende Ægtefælle? Og kunde det endelig

gøres, saa forlangte Loven først en Separation, hvor de to Ægtefæller skulde leve adskilte, inden man bevilgede den endelige Skilsmisse, og det vilde tage et Par Aar.

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Den Tanke kunde Lili ikke taale. Hun vilde ikke have, at Grete skulde narres for endnu to Aar af sit Liv. Da det ikke saa ud til, at der kunde findes nogen Udvej, stod Lili som tidligere Andreas over for den Mulighed at gaa frivilligt i Døden for at skaffe Grete af med en Ægtefælle, som slet ikke eksisterede. Endelig fandt en af deres Venner , en dygtig Jurist, paa den Udvej, at de kunde indsende en Ansøgning til Kongen . Det skete i Slutningen af August, og i Begyndelsen af September fik Grete og Lili en Meddelelse om, at de paa en bestemt Dato personlig skulde fremstille sig i Retten. Grete spurgte Lili , om hun mente, at hun havde Kræfter nok til det.

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— Skulde jeg ikke kunne gøre det for Dig, svarede Lili glædestraalende, Du, som har ofret saa meget for mig? ...... Tror Du, at jeg i dette Øjeblik kunde tænke paa mig selv?

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Denne Tur ind til Retten var Lili s og Grete s første fælles Udflugt i København . Tiden var blevet holdt strengt hemmelig, og de to Damer blev ført ind foran en Dommer . Der var ikke andre end Dommeren og en anden Øvrighedsperson til Stede i Lokalet. Hele Retshandlingen varede knapt en halv Time, men hverken Lili eller Grete holdt af at fortælle, hvorledes den havde formet sig. Nogle Dage senere blev det ved en særlig kongelig Resolution tilkendegivet, at det mellem Andreas og Grete Sparre indgaaede Ægteskab maatte betragtes som værende ugyldigt.

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Grete did not stay with them. She stayed with some friends in Copenhagen where no one must know anything about Lili , her arrival, and her life for the time being. For that reason Grete told everyone who asked about Andreas that he was seriously ill at a clinic in Germany ...... Only secretly Grete occasionally visited Lili , who did not want it any differently. She hardly dared do more than venture outside the garden sometimes in the evening and take a walk in the neighbourhood under the protection of her nephew .

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So far her only task in Copenhagen had been to help Grete regain her freedom. The important thing was to have Grete 's marriage to Andreas dissolved without the public getting any wind of it. It was a very difficult matter the outcome of which was very uncertain for there were no legislative provisions for such a fantastic case that no legislator could have predicted. One of the spouses, Andreas Sparre , did not exist anymore. How then would you go about separating a wife from a non-existent spouse? And finally, if it could

be done the law required a separation first where the two spouses should live apart before the final divorce was granted and that would take a few years.

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Lili could not bear this idea. She did not want Grete to be cheated out of two more years of her life. As there seemed to be no way out, Lili just as previously Andreas , was faced with the option of voluntarily facing death to rid Grete of a spouse who did not exist at all. Finally one of their friends , a clever lawyer, thought of the solution of submitting an application to the King . This happened at the end of August, and in the beginning of September Grete and Lili received a message that they should personally present themselves in court on a certain date. Grete asked Lili if she thought that she had enough strength for this.

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"Should I not be able to do that for you," Lili answered beaming with joy, "you who have sacrificed so much for me? ...... Do you think that I could think of myself at this moment?"

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This trip to the court was Lili and Grete 's first joint excursion in Copenhagen . The time had been kept strictly secret and the two ladies were brought in before a judge . Only the judge and another public officer were present in the room. All of the legal proceedings lasted just under half an hour, but neither Lili nor Grete liked to talk about how they had turned out. Some days later

Note: The American edition says this occurs on the 6th of October. The Wegeners' marriage was annulled by the court, not by decree of the King of Denmark.

it was declared by a special royal resolution that the marriage entered into by Andreas and Grete Sparre must be considered invalid.

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Andreas fragten, er läge in einer deutschen einer deutschen Klinik schwer erkrankt danieder . . . und sie besuchte nur heimlich dann und wann die Freundin. Lili wollte es auch nicht anders. Kaum daß sie selber abends, dicht verschleiert, mit dem Sohn von Andreas ' Schwester den Garten zu verlassen wagte, um unter seinem Schutz in der Umgebung Spaziergänge zu unternehmen. Bisher hatte ihre einzige Beschäftigung in Kopenhagen darin bestanden, Grete zur Wiedererlangung ihrer Freiheit zu verhelfen. Es galt, in aller Stille, ohne daß auch nur das geringste darüber in die Öffentlichkeit drang, Grete s Ehe mit Andreas aufzulösen. Es war ein schwieriges Unternehmen, dessen Erfolg nicht sicher war; es gab noch kein Gesetz, das für einen so phantastischen Fall hätte herangezogen werden können. Denn einer der Ehepartner, Andreas , existierte nicht mehr, wie also sollte man eine Ehe zwischen einem nicht mehr existierenden Ehegatten und dessen Frau scheiden? Und doch war es gerade dieses »normale Ehescheidungsgesetz«, auf das sowohl die beauftragten Rechtsanwälte wie auch das Richterkollegium, denen die Angelegenheit zur Erledigung übergeben worden war, als einzige Handhabe sich glaubten berufen zu dürfen. Dieses Gesetz verlangt, daß vor der Ehescheidung, für die Zeit eines Jahres, eine »Separation«, das heißt eine Trennung von Tisch und Bett, durchgeführt wird, und erst nach Ablauf dieses Jahres ein weiteres Jahr verstreichen muß, bevor die Ehe rechtsgültig geschieden werden kann. Auf diese Weise würde Grete zwei weitere Jahre verlieren. Lili ertrug diesen Gedanken nicht. Sie wollte Grete nicht um zwei neue Jahre ihres Lebens betrügen. Und da es aussah, als könne von den Juristen kein anderer Ausweg gefunden werden, trug sich Lili mit dem harten Entschluß, durch ihren Freitod Grete von der Last eines nur noch vor dem Gesetz bestehenden Ehepaktes mit einem – Verstorbenen

zu befreien. Da kam ihnen beiden der Ratschlag eines ergebenen Juristen zu Hilfe, nämlich eine Bittschrift an den König zu richten, damit er durch einen Gnadenakt die einst zwischen Grete und Andreas geschlossene Ehe für ungültig erkläre. Das Bittgesuch wurde Ende August eingereicht, und schon Ende September wurden Grete und Lili zu einem Gerichtstermin geladen, an dem sie beide persönlich zu erscheinen hatten. Als Grete fragte, ob Lili auch die Kraft habe, mit ihr dorthin zu gehen, erklärte sie freudestrahlend: »Kann ich mit so geringem Opfer dir deine Freiheit schenken, glaubst du, daß ich auch nur einen Augenblick an mich denken dürfte?« Und diese Fahrt vor Gericht war die erste gemeinsame Ausfahrt von Lili und Grete . Zwei Damen erschienen vor den Richtern. Nur noch die beiden Anwälte waren zugegen. Der Termin wurde vor der Öffentlichkeit streng geheimgehalten. Der ganze Gerichtsakt dauerte kaum eine halbe Stunde. Ihn zu beschreiben, ihn auch nur wiederzuerzählen, scheute sich Lili . Auch Grete hat nie darüber gesprochen. Und wenige Tage später, am 6. Oktober, wurde ihnen beiden der Erlaß des König s bekanntgegeben, wonach die zwischen Andreas und Grete Sparre geschlossene Ehe für ungültig erklärt wurde.

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Shortly before this Lili had left her sister 's villa and found a retreat in a couple of attics in the house of an acquaintance .

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Lili war kurz vorher aus der Villa der Schwester ausgezogen und hatte in dem Haus einer Bekannten ein paar Giebelstübchen für sich allein als Unterkunft gefunden.

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Lili had moved out of her sister 's villa shortly before and had found a few attic rooms in the house of an acquaintance as shelter for her alone.

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Kort efter flyttede Lili fra sin Søster ind til en Bekendt, der boede paa en afsides liggende Villavej, og hvor hun lejede et Par Gavlværelser, der under Resten af hendes Ophold i Danmark blev hendes Hjem. Det var et Par beskedne Stuer, men hun befandt sig vel i dem. Her fik hun Ro til at samle sig og til at skrive i sin Dagbog. Den begyndte den tiende Oktober, og det første, hun skrev om, var Mødet med Andreas ' Søster .

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Shortly afterwards Lili moved from her sister 's to the home of an acquaintance who lived on an out-of-the-way residential road and where she rented a couple of gabled rooms that became her home during the rest of her stay in Denmark . They were a couple of modest rooms but she was comfortable in them. Here she had peace to collect herself and write in her diary. It began 10 October and the first thing she wrote about was the meeting with Andreas ' sister .

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Lili war kurz vorher aus der Villa der Schwester ausgezogen und hatte in dem Haus einer Bekannten ein paar Giebelstübchen für sich als Unterkunft gefunden.

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They were, indeed, very modest attics, in which she led her quiet life as long as she stayed in Copenhagen —as long, as she stayed in Denmark , and where she found the necessary composure to put into practice the suggestion made by the son of Andreas ' sister : to begin her Copenhagen diary.

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Es waren ein paar bescheidene Stübchen, in denen sie , solange sie in Kopenhagen , solange sie in Dänemark weilte , ihr stilles Leben geführt hat, wo sie dann endlich auch innere Sammlung fand, das in die Tat umzusetzen, was der Sohn von Andreas ' Schwester in ihr angeregt hatte: ihr Kopenhagener Tagebuch zu beginnen.

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They were a few humble, small rooms, in which as long as she was in Copenhagen , as long as she was in Denmark , she led her quiet life, where she finally also found her inner composure to put into action what the son of Andreas ' sister had encouraged: to begin her Copenhagen diary.

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Es waren ein paar bescheidene Stübchen, in denen sie, solange sie in Kopenhagen , solange sie in Dänemark weilte, ihr stilles Leben führte, wo sie dann endlich auch innere Sammlung fand, das in die Tat umzusetzen, was der Sohn von Andreas ' Schwester in ihr angeregt hatte: ihr Kopenhagener Tagebuch zu beginnen.

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On the 10th October she began. The first incident she recorded was her meeting with Andreas ' sister

Regularized form: .

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Am 10. Oktober begann sie dieses Tagebuch. Und sie schrieb:

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She began her diary on October 10. And she wrote:

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Am 10. Oktober begann sie. Das erste, was sie niederschrieb, war ihre Begegnung mit Andreas ' Schwester .

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"When on the second day of my stay in Copenhagen I went out to see Andreas ' sister — now I know and feel that I may also call her my sister —I entered a room which I did not know, but in which Andreas had often been before. When I opened the door no one was in the room, and when I took the first step I saw my reflection in a mirror on the wall: a big, elegant woman with smiling eyes, with rouged lips, with fresh cheeks, was staring at me. I was satisfied with my reflection. I knew that I had done everything to make myself as handsome as possible. In my own justification. Who could reproach me for resorting to all the beautifying arts to which every woman has a claim. If I should ever paint myself, I would like to retain this moment on canvas. Scarcely had I regarded my own person than I saw behind me another picture, enclosed by the same mirror. A large fjord landscape bathed in sunlight with luxuriant vegetation on both banks. My heart stopped beating. I turned round; I stared at the landscape in the heavy gilt frame on the wall. It was a picture which the young Andreas had painted of his home . I looked round the room to see if anybody was observing me. I saw on all walls of the room pictures of landscapes, towns, streams. I recognized them all as Andreas ' pictures. I saw all his travels before me. There was the town in Southern France on the Loire , where Andreas and Grete had spent many joyous summer months. And not only Andreas ! No, I, Lili , had also lived down there, like a prisoner escaped from the captivity

of Andreas ' body. There was the bridge over the Seine in Paris under the threatening sky. Andreas had stood on this bridge . . . had peered down at the river and wrestled with thoughts of death. And pictures by Grete hung beside them. One of them showed me Lili , enticed out of Andreas , in woman's clothes. I approached the picture and could not help stroking it, while tears ran down my cheeks. And I sat down on a chair in front of the table. A big album was lying there. Involuntarily I opened it and turned over the pages. I found the pictures of a fair boy with large blue eyes . . . pictures of Andreas when he was still a child, innocently happy with his two brothers and his sister .

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"Als ich am zweiten Tage meines

Regularized form: K

openhagener Aufenthaltes zu Andreas ' Schwester hinausfuhr, - heute weiss ich und fühle ich, dass ich sie auch meine Schwester nennen darf, - da trat ich in ein Zimmer ein, das ich nicht kannte, in dem Andreas aber oft vorher gewesen war. Als ich die Tür geöffnet hatte, war niemand in dem Zimmer, und als ich die ersten Schritte gemacht hatte, sehe ich mein Spiegelbild in einem Handspiegel. Eine grosse, elegante Dame mit lächelnden Augen, mit rot aufgelegten Lippen, mit frischen Wangen sieht mich an. Ich war mit meinem Bild zufrieden. Ich weiss, ich hatte alles getan, um mich so schön wie möglich zu machen. Zu meiner eigenen Rechtfertigung. Wer will mir einen Vorwurf machen, dass ich alle Schönheitsmittel, auf die jede Frau An r R echt hat, zu Hilfe genommen hatte? Wenn ich selber jemals malen sollte, diesen Augenblick könnte ich im Bilde festhalten. Kaum hatte ich mein eigenes Bild betrachtet, als ich hinter mir ein anderes Bild, umschlossen von demselben Spiegel, sehe. Eine grosse, von einer Sommersonne übergossene Fjordlandschaft mit bunten, trächtigen Waldufern zu beiden Seiten. Mein Herz stockte. Ich wandte mich um. Und ich sehe das Bild in dem breiten, schweren Goldrahmen an der Wand. Es ist ein Jugendbild, das Andreas von seiner Heimat gemalt hat. Und ich sehe mich im Zimmer um, ob niemand mich beobachtet. Und ich sehe an allen Wänden des Zimmers viele Bilder, Gemälde von Landschaften, Gemälde von Städten, Gemälde von Flussläufen, und ich erkenne in allen Bildern Andreas ' Bilder. Seine ganze Wanderung sehe ich plötzlich vor mir. Das eine Bild ist die Stadt in Südfrankreich an der Loire , wo Andreas und Grete viele frohe Sommermonate gelebt haben. Und nicht nur Andreas . Nein, dort unten hatte ich, Lili , ich selber ja gelebt, wie eine Entschlüpfte aus dem Gefängnis von Andreas ' Körper. Und ein anderes Bild sehe ich. Eine Brücke über

die Seine in Paris , ein gewittertrüber Himmel hängt darüber. Und auf dieser Brücke hat Andreas gestanden. Und er hat hinuntergesehen in den Strom und mit Todesgedanken gerungen. Und andere Bilder sehe ich, von Grete gemalt. Und eins davon zeigt mich, Lili , mich hier, herausgelockt aus Andreas in Frauenkleidern. Und ich trete an das Bild heran und muss es streicheln und lehne den Kopf an das Bild, und mir laufen die hellen Tränen über die Wangen. Und ich darf ja nicht weinen. Und ich setze mich auf einen Stuhl nieder, vor den Tisch. Ein grosses Album liegt dort. Willenlos öffne ich es. Und ich sehe hinein. Und ich finde Bilder von einen blonden Knaben mit grossen braunen Augen. Und ich weiss mir keinen Rat mehr, denn es sind Bilder von Andreas , als er noch ein Kind war und mit seinen Geschwistern, mit seinen beiden Brüdern und mit seiner Schwester in sein schweres Leben, das er noch garnicht ahnte, fröhlich hineinspielte.

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"When I went out to Andreas ' sister on the second day of my stay in Copenhagen , - today I know and feel that I too may call her my sister, - there I stepped into a room that I did not know, but where Andreas had been many times before. When I opened the door, nobody was in the room, and when I had taken the first steps, I saw my image in a hand mirror. A tall, elegant lady, with smiling eyes, with red painted lips, with fresh cheeks looks back at me. I was happy with my image. I know, I had done everything to make myself as beautiful as possible. To my own justification. Who wants to accuse me of having taken the help of all the beauty products every woman has a right to? If I should ever paint, I would capture that moment in a picture. Just as I had observed my own image, I noticed another image behind me, framed by the same mirror. A big fjord landscape, flooded in summer sun with colorful, pregnant forested banks on both side. My heart stopped. I turned around. And I see the picture in a broad, heavy golden frame on the wall. It is a painting from Andreas ' youth, one he painted of his home . And I look around that room, nobody was watching me. And I see on all walls of the room many pictures, paintings of landscapes, paintings of cities, paintings of rivers, and I recognize them all as Andreas ' paintings. I suddenly see his entire wanderings in front of me. One painting is the town in southern France on the Loire , where Andreas and Grete had lived for many happy summer months. And not just Andreas . No, down there I , Lili , had lived myself, like an escapee from the prison of Andreas ' body. And I see another painting. A bridge over

the Seine in Paris , a thunderstorm hanging in the sky above. And on that bridge Andreas had stood. And he had looked down into the stream and wrestled with thoughts of death. And I see other paintings, painted by Grete . And one of them shows me, Lili , me here in women's clothes, lured out of Andreas . And I step towards the painting and have to caress it and lean my head against the painting and bright tears run down my cheeks. And I must not cry. And I sit down on a chair in front of the table. A big album is lying there. Involuntarily I open it. And I look inside. And I find pictures of a blonde boy with big brown eyes. And I know not how to go on, because these are pictures of Andreas when he was still a child and was gleefully playing with his sister and his two brothers , making his way into his hard life which he did not yet suspect.

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»Da jeg Andendagen efter min Ankomst til København blev ført ud til Andreas ' Søster — nu føler jeg, nu ved jeg, at jeg ogsaa tør kalde hende min Søster — blev jeg vist ind i et Værelse, hvor jeg aldrig havde været, men hvor Andreas havde tilbragt mange Timer.

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Da jeg aabnede Døren, var der ingen i Stuen, og da jeg var gaaet et Par Skridt frem, saa jeg mit eget Billede i et stort Vægspejl. Jeg saa en elegant klædt Dame med smilende Øjne, rødtsminkede Læber og friske Kinder. Jeg var tilfreds med mig selv. Jeg vidste, at jeg havde gjort alt for at se saa godt ud som muligt. Jeg syntes, at det var en Slags Retfærdiggørelse. Hvem vil bebrejde mig, at jeg tyede til alle de Skønhedsmidler, som enhver Kvinde har Ret til at benytte?

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Selv om jeg aldrig vil komme til at male, saa vil dog det Billede, jeg saa i Spejlet, stadig staa tydeligt og klart for mig.

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Men næppe havde jeg kritisk gennemgaaet mig selv, førend jeg i Spejlet fik Øje paa et andet Billede. Det var et Fjordlandskab i Sommersol med frugtbare, brogede Skovbredder til begge Sider. Mit Hjerte bankede. Jeg vendte mig om mod Billedet, der hang i en svær Guldramme paa Væggen. Det var et Ungdomsbillede, Andreas havde malet fra sin Barndomsegn.

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Jeg kastede et Blik om i Værelset for at se, om nogen iagttog mig, og paa alle Væggene saa jeg Malerier, Landskaber, Bybilleder, Flodbilleder. Jeg kendte dem allesammen igen — det var Andreas Billeder. Og hans Vandreaar steg frem for mig.

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Dèr var et lille Billede fra Byen ved Loirefloden , hvor Andreas havde levet saa mange glade Sommermaaneder ...... Men ikke Andreas alene, nej, dèr havde ogsaa jeg, Lili , levet i de Timer, jeg var undsluppet fra det Fængsel, som hans Legeme var for mig. Der var ogsaa et andet Billede, en af Seinebroerne i Paris under en Himmel, overtrukket med sorte Uvejrsskyer. Paa den Bro havde Andreas staaet og stirret ned i Seinen , medens han kæmpede med sine Dødstanker.

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Jeg saa ogsaa andre Billeder, der var malet af Grete . Paa et af dem stod jeg selv, Lili , klædt i Kvindeklæder ...... flygtet fra Andreas . Jeg traadte hen til Billedet, lod min Haand glide ømt hen over det, støttede min Pande mod Rammen, og gav mig bittert til at græde ...... Men jeg vilde ikke, jeg maatte ikke græde ......

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Jeg satte mig paa en Stol henne ved Bordet, hvorpaa der laa et stort Album. Uden at tænke over det lukkede jeg det op og begyndte at blade i det. Der var Fotografier af en lyslokket Dreng med store, brune Øjne. Og jeg vidste ikke længere mine levende Raad, for det var Billeder af Andreas , da han endnu var Barn og legede med sine

Note: 10

Søskende, sine to Brødre og sin Søster . Dengang anede han endnu intet om den skæbnesvangre Livskamp, der ventede ham ...... han legede og var glad.

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"When on the second day after my arrival in Copenhagen I was taken out to Andreas ' sister – now I feel, now I know, that I also dare call her my sister – I was shown into a room where I had never been but where Andreas had spent many hours.

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When I opened the door, no one was in the room, and when I moved a few steps forward I saw my own reflection in a large wall mirror. I saw an elegantly dressed lady with smiling eyes, red painted lips and fresh cheeks. I was pleased with myself. I knew that I had done everything to look as good as possible. I thought it was a kind of justification. Who will blame me for resorting to all the cosmetics that any woman has the right to use?

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Even if I would never paint, the image I saw in the mirror will still remain clear to me.

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But scarcely had I critically examined myself before I caught sight of another picture in the mirror. It was a fjord landscape in summer sun with fertile, varied wood banks on both sides. My heart was beating. I turned around toward the picture hanging in a heavy gold frame on the wall. It was a work of his youth that Andreas had painted from the part of the country of his childhood.

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I took a look around the room to see if anybody observed me, and on all the walls I saw paintings, landscapes, city scenes, river pictures. I recognised them all – they were Andreas ' pictures. And his journeyman years

Note: "Vandreaar" (Danish) or "Wanderjahre" refers to a specific period of travelling and apprenticeship in a young man's life.

appeared before me.

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There was a small picture from the town by the river Loire where Andreas had lived for so many happy summer months ...... But not Andreas alone, no, there I too, Lili , had lived for the hours when I had escaped from the prison that his body was to me. There was also another picture, one of the Seine bridges in Paris under a sky that was overcast with grey storm clouds. On that bridge Andreas had stood staring down into the Seine while struggling with his thoughts of death.

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I saw other pictures too that were painted by Grete . In one of them I, Lili , stood dressed in women's clothes ...... escaped form Andreas . I stepped up to the picture, let my hand run over it tenderly, rested my head against the frame and began to cry bitterly ...... But I did not want to, I must not cry ......

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I sat down on a chair by the table where a big album lay. Without thinking I opened it and began to leaf through it. There were photographs of a fair boy with large, brown eyes. And I was at my wit's end for they were pictures of Andreas when he was still a child and played with his

siblings, his two brothers and his sister . At that time he had no idea of the fateful life struggle that lay in store for him ...... he played and was happy.

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»Als ich am zweiten Tage meines Kopenhagener Aufenthaltes zu Andreas ' Schwester hinausfuhr – heute weiß ich und fühle ich, daß ich sie auch meine Schwester nennen darf – trat ich in ein Zimmer ein, das ich nicht kannte, in dem Andreas aber oft vorher gewesen war. Als ich die Tür geöffnet hatte, war niemand in dem Zimmer, und als ich die ersten Schritte gemacht hatte, sah ich mein Bild in einem Wandspiegel: eine große, elegante Dame mit lächelnden Augen, mit rot aufgelegten Lippen, mit frischen Wangen sah mich an. Ich war mit meinem Bild zufrieden. Ich weiß, ich hatte alles getan, um mich so schön wie möglich zu machen. Zu meiner eigenen Rechtfertigung. Wer könnte mir einen Vorwurf machen, daß ich alle Schönheitsmittel, auf die jede Frau Anrecht hat, zu Hilfe genommen hatte? Wenn ich selber jemals malen sollte, diesen Augenblick würde ich im Bilde festhalten. Kaum hatte ich meine eigene Person betrachtet, als ich hinter mir ein anderes Bild, umschlossen von demselben Spiegel, sah. Eine große, von einer Sommersonne übergossene Fjordlandschaft mit bunten, trächtigen Waldufern zu beiden Seiten. Mein Herz stockte. Ich wandte mich um, ich starrte auf die Landschaft in dem schweren Goldrahmen an der Wand. Es war ein Bild, das der junge Andreas von seiner Heimat gemalt hatte. Ich sah mich im Zimmer um, ob niemand mich beobachtete. Ich sah an allen Wänden des Zimmers Bilder von Landschaften, Städten, Flußläufen. Ich erkannte in allen Bildern Andreas ' Bilder. Seine ganze Wanderung sah ich vor mir. Da war die Stadt in Südfrankreich an der Loire , wo Andreas und Grete viele frohe Sommermonate gelebt hatten. Und nicht nur Andreas ! Nein, dort unten hatte ich, Lili , ich selber ja gelebt, wie eine Entschlüpfte aus dem Gefängnis von Andreas ' Körper. Da war die Brücke über die Seine in Paris , unter gewittertrübem Himmel. Auf dieser Brücke

hatte Andreas gestanden . . . hinuntergesehen in den Strom und mit Todesgedanken gerungen. Und Bilder von Grete hingen daneben. Und eins davon zeigte mich, Lili , herausgelockt aus Andreas in Frauenkleidern. Ich trat an das Bild heran und mußte es streicheln und Tränen liefen mir über die Wangen. Und ich setzte mich auf einen Stuhl nieder, vor den Tisch. Ein großes Album lag dort. Willenlos öffnete ich es und sah hinein. Ich fand Bilder von einem blonden Knaben mit großen braunen Augen . . . Bilder von Andreas , als er noch ein Kind war und ahnungslos fröhlich mit seinen Geschwistern, mit seinen beiden Brüdern und mit seiner Schwester in sein schweres Leben hineinspielte.

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"Then the door opened and a lady with dark hair and blue eyes and trembling arms entered the room: Andreas ' sister . I rose to my feet and stood in front of her. And my sister had to look up to me, for I was bigger than she. Then an absurd recollection flashed through me: Andreas and his sister had been the same size. From my sister 's eyes I saw that she was thinking the same thing, and did not know what to make of the idea. I said to her: 'Good day . . . be kind to your sister Lili .'

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Da öffnet sich die Tür und eine Frau mit dunklem Haar und blauen Augen und ~~offenen~~ zögernden Armen tritt in das Zimmer ein: Andreas Schwester . Und ich stand auf, und ich stehe vor Andreas ' Schwester . Und die Schwester muss zu mir emporsehen, denn ich bin grösser als sie. Und da zuckt es durch mich wie ein heisser Blitz, denn eine wahnsinnige Erinnerung ist in mir aufgeschreckt: Andreas und seine Schwester waren ja gleich gross. Und ich sehe es den Augen der Schwester an, dass auch sie denselben Gedanken hat, dass auch sie wie einen wirren Spuk es nicht fassen kann. Und dann sage ich zu ihr: "Guten Tag. Und nun sei gut zu deiner Schwester Lili ." Vielleicht habe ich auch etwas ganz anderes gesagt. Vielleicht habe ich gesagt: "Nimm mich gut auf, und habe mich lieb, wie du Andreas geliebt hast." Vielleicht habe ich überhaupt nichts gesagt. Oder vielleicht habe ich nur gelächelt und zu ihr gesagt. "Wundere dich nicht, dass ich grösser bin als unser toter Bruder Andreas , denn ich trage ja so hohe Absätze. Und sei mir deshalb nicht böse, denn ich möchte doch gern so hübsch und so damenhaft sein wie alle anderen gutgepflegten Damen."

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Then the door opens and a woman with dark hair and blue eyes and hesitant arms steps into the room: Andreas ' sister . And I got up, and I stood before Andreas ' sister . And the sister

Note: "die Schwester" is translated as "my sister" in the American edition. We will retain the article rather than choose a possessive pronoun.

has to look up to me, because I am taller than she is. And there a crazy memory goes through me like hot lightning: Andreas and his sister were of the same height. And I see it in the eyes of the sister , that she has the same thought, that she too can't believe it like a crazy haunting. And then I say to her: "Good day. And now be good to your sister Lili ." Maybe I said something else entirely. Maybe I said: "Bid me a good welcome, and love me just the way you loved Andreas ." Maybe I did not say anything at all. Or maybe I just smiled and told her: "Don't be confused that I am taller than our dead brother Andreas , it is because I wear such high heels. And don't be cross with me, because I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all other well-groomed ladies."

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Saa gik Døren op, og en Dame med mørkt Haar og blaa Øjne traadte med tøvende Skridt ind i Værelset. Det var Andreas ' Søster . Jeg rejste mig op og stod lige foran hende. Hun maatte se op paa mig, for jeg var højere end hun. Det gav et pludseligt Ryk i mig, og jeg troede, at jeg skulde blive gal. Jeg var kommet til at huske paa, at Andreas og hans Søster havde været lige høje. Jeg læste i hendes Øjne, at hun havde faaet den samme Tanke, og at det ogsaa gjorde et uhyggeligt Indtryk paa hende.

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Saa sagde jeg:

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— Goddag! ...... Du maa være god mod din Søster Lili .

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Then the door opened and a lady with dark hair and blue eyes hesitantly stepped into the room. It was Andreas ' sister . I got up and stood right in front of her. She

Note: The American edition uses, "my sister" here, while the German edition uses, "the sister."

had to look up at me because I was taller than she. I started and I thought I would go mad. I happened to remember that Andreas and his sister had been of the same height. I read in her eyes that she had had the same thought and that it also shocked her.

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Then I said:

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"Hello! ...... You must be kind to your sister Lili ."

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Dann öffnete sich die Tür, und eine Frau mit dunklem Haar und blauen Augen und zögernden Armen trat in das Zimmer ein: Andreas ' Schwester . Ich stand auf, ich stand vor Andreas ' Schwester . Und die Schwester mußte zu mir emporsehen, denn ich war größer als sie. Da zuckte es durch mich wie ein heißer Blitz, denn eine wahnsinnige Erinnerung war in mir aufgeschreckt: Andreas und seine Schwester waren von gleicher Größe gewesen. Ich sah es den Augen der Schwester an, daß auch sie denselben Gedanken hatte, daß auch sie den wirren Spuk nicht fassen konnte. Ich sagte zu ihr: ,Guten Tag . . . sei gut zu deiner Schwester Lili .'

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"Perhaps I should have said something altogether different. I might have said: 'Be kind to me and love me as you loved Andreas .' Perhaps I might have said nothing at all. Or perhaps I might have only smiled and said to her: 'Do not be surprised because I am bigger than our dead brother Andreas , for I wear ever so high heels. And don't take this amiss, because

I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all other well-groomed women.'

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Then the door opens and a woman with dark hair and blue eyes and hesitant arms steps into the room: Andreas ' sister . And I got up, and I stood before Andreas ' sister . And the sister

Note: "die Schwester" is translated as "my sister" in the American edition. We will retain the article rather than choose a possessive pronoun.

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Maaske jeg ogsaa sagde noget andet. Maaske sagde jeg:

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— Tag godt imod mig og hold af mig, som Du holdt af Andreas .

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Eller maaske sagde jeg slet ingen Ting. Eller jeg smilede maaske bare og forklarede:

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— Du skal ikke undre Dig over, at jeg er større end vor døde Broder Andreas , for jeg har jo høje Hæle paa ...... Du maa ikke være vred paa mig for det ...... jeg vilde jo saa gerne have, at Lili skulde se ligesaa smuk og dameagtig ud som alle de andre Kvinder i vor Familie.

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Perhaps I said something else too. Perhaps I said:

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"Please accept me and care for me as you cared for Andreas ."

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Or perhaps I did not say anything at all. Or perhaps I just smiled and explained:

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"Do not be surprised that I'm taller than our dead brother Andreas because I'm wearing high heels ...... Please do not be angry with me for that ...... I so much wanted Lili to look as beautiful and ladylike as all the other women in our family."

Note: The American edition says, "I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all other well-groomed women."

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Vielleicht habe ich auch etwas ganz anderes gesagt. Vielleicht habe ich gesagt: ,Nimm mich gut auf, und habe mich lieb, wie du Andreas geliebt hast.' Vielleicht habe ich überhaupt nichts gesagt. Oder vielleicht habe ich nur gelächelt und zu ihr gesagt: ,Wundere dich nicht daß ich größer bin als unser toter Bruder Andreas , denn ich trage ja so hohe Absätze. Und sei mir deshalb nicht böse, denn ich möchte doch gern so hübsch und so damenhaft sein wie alle anderen gutgepflegten Damen.'

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"Then we sat together on the sofa and in front of us lying on the table was the album with the portraits of Andreas as a child. For a long time we held hands. And my sister was kind; she sought for words. Her eyes looked at me, her lips said something. And I did not know whether it was her lips or her eyes which spoke to me: 'Don't be angry with me if I cannot yet properly call you by your name of Lili . . . if I cannot yet arrange my ideas about you . . . if I only seek for Andreas when I look at you, in your eyes, at your mouth, at your hands, and at your forehead. For I loved Andreas ' eyes and his forehead so much. I kissed his forehead so often. You know that, or don't you know it? But Andreas knew it. For I am only a year older than Andreas . And when Andreas and I were quite small, he five and I six years old, I was his little mother. There was never a prettier, sweeter brother than he. He played with my dolls, he pushed my doll's pram. And I called him " Lilleman "—little man. Once when I wrote down the name for Mother and Mother told me that I had spelt "Lilleman" with only one "n" instead of two, I said that my brudderkins Andreas was only a "Lilleman" with one "n", for he was not a proper man at all. Mother smiled, and you too smiled when you heard it—no . . . not you . . . Andreas smiled. He did not know, perhaps, why he laughed. And I did not know why I had said that my Andreas was not a proper man at all. And do you still

remember how we used to push our doll's pram in the woods? Andreas was so fond of pushing the little pram. But he was afraid that others would see him and chaff him about it. And do you remember how I would then place my hands over Andreas ' little white hands? And do you know why I did that? Andreas never knew why, but I can tell you now. I did it only in order that if we were surprised by anybody, I alone could continue pushing the pram, while Andreas could quickly remove his hands from the handle, as if nothing had happened.' And if my sister did not say this with her lips, she said it with her eyes. But it was no doubt her lips. I only nodded, and kept nodding. I did not weep. I took it quite calmly that for many, many days long she was seeking in me with her large, troubled, woman's eyes only the picture of Andreas , her little brother, and, as I now believe, found it. Sometimes, in the first days, when we conversed with each other frequently with very painful feelings for many hours, she addressed me as Andreas . I felt then as if I ought to die. Nor could I conceal this from her. And then I would implore her to believe me that I was not Andreas ' murderer, that if Andreas had not died, I should have had to go under with him, and that if I was living now, I owed him every day of my life. Once I said that I really had neither parents nor brothers and sisters, as I was born not up here in the North, but down in Germany . And perhaps if mother had bore me as a girl, she would not have loved me so much as she loved Andreas . It was probably on this

day that my sister said to me that everything that had happened in Dresden was an outrage against Nature; had been a gamble with Fate; questioning whether Andreas could not really have survived; or whether it would not have been far better for Andreas to have borne his heavy fate and his tortured body to the bitter end. Then she showed me all the works which she had collected of Andreas , and I perceived that her whole home was really a museum for Andreas , for all the walls of her room were crowded with Andreas ' pictures. 'Don't you see,' said my sister , 'what an artist we have lost in him—how different he was from you?' 'Yes,' I said; 'that only goes to prove how right Andreas was to release me, for we were two beings, Andreas and I. I know that as a person I am far inferior to him, that I shall never be able to achieve what he achieved, that I shall never be able to paint . . . that I don't even want to paint. For if I did so I could never approach his standard. But just because of this you can see that the beings who inhabited the body which Mother bore were really two beings. I have exchanged so much for this life which I must now live alone, as you yourself say that Andreas was so much stronger and more capable than I. He lived and worked during a long life, and I dare hardly show myself. And if I show myself, you all call me a joke, a deception, a masquerade. Let us, I beg you, be friends and good sisters for the sake of our dead brother Andreas .'

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Und dann setzten wir uns auf das Sofa, und vor uns lag auf dem Tisch das Album mit Andreas ' Kinderbildern. Und wir hielten lange

einander die Hände. Und die Schwester war gut, und sie suchte nach Worten. Und ihre Augen sahen mich immer an, und ihre Lippen sagten auch etwas. Und ich weiss nicht, ob es nun ihre Lippen waren oder ihre Augen, die zu mir sprachen: "Nicht böse sein, du, dass ich noch garnicht richtig dich mit deinem Namen ~~ansprechen~~ nennen kann. Und dass ich dich auch noch nicht richtig in meinen Gedanken finden kann. Dass ich dich nur ansehe und darin Andreas suche. In deinen Augen, um deinen Mund, in deinen Händen und auf deiner Stirn. Denn ich habe Andreas ' Augen so geliebt und auch seine Hände. Und auch seine Stirn. Die habe ich so oft geküsst. Das weisst du. Oder du weisst es nicht. Aber Andreas weiss es. Denn ich bin ja nur ein Jahr älter als Andreas . Und als Andreas und ich ganz klein waren, er war nur fünf Jahre alt und ich war sechs Jahre alt, da war ich sein kleines Mütterchen. Und ich hatte keinen schöneren, keinen süsseren Bruder als ihn. Er spielte mit meinen Puppen, und er spielte mit meinem Puppenwagen. Und ich nannte ihn " Lilleman ", und das heisst kleiner Mann. Und als ich den Namen einmal Mutter aufschrieb, und Mutter mir sagte, dass ich Lilleman nur mit einem N geschrieben hatte statt mit zwei N, da sagte ich Mutter , dass mein Brüderchen Andreas nur ein Lilleman mit einem N sei, denn er sei ja garkein richtiger Mann. Und da lächelte Mutter , und du lächeltest auch, als du es hörtest, nein, nicht du, Andreas lächelte. Und er wusste garnicht, weshalb er lächelte. Und ich wusste auch garnicht, warum ich dies gesagt hatte, mein Andreas sei garkein richtiger Mann. Und weisst du auch noch, wie ich mit Andreas und unserem Puppenwagen in den Wald fuhr? Andreas schob so gern den kleinen Wagen. Aber er hatte Furcht, dass ihn andere sähen und ihn deshalb neckten. Und weisst du auch noch, dass ich dann immer neben Andreas ' kleine weisse Händchen meine Hand gelegt hatte? Und weisst du noch, weshalb ich das getan habe? Siehst du, das hat Andreas ja auch nie gewusst, aber heute kann ich es ja ruhig sagen. Das tat ich nur, dass, wenn jemand uns beide überraschen würde, ich allein den Wagen weiterschieben konnte, und Andreas schnell seine beiden Händchen von dem Wagengriff zurücknehmen konnte, so als wäre garnichts geschehen ..." Und hat die Schwester dies nicht mit ihren Lippen gesagt, so hat sie es mit ihren Augen erzählt aber es waren wohl ihre Lippen . Und ich nickte

nur, nickte immer wieder. Und ich weinte auch garkeine Tränen.

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Und ich liess es mir ruhig gefallen, dass sie mit ihren grossen, zitternden Frauenaugen in mir viele, viele Tage lang immer nur das Bild von Andreas , ihrem Brüderchen, suchte und suchte und, ich glaube es heute, auch wiedergefunden hat. Mitunter hat sie in den ersten Tagen, wo wir viele Stunden oft recht schmerzvoll miteinander sprachen, mich mit Andreas ' Namen genannt. Mir war dann immer, als wenn ich sterben müsste. Ich habe es ihr auch ein paarmal gesagt. Und dann habe ich sie angefleht, mir zu glauben, dass ich nicht Andreas ' Mörder sei, dass, wenn Andreas nicht gestorben wäre, ich ja mit ihm hätte zu Grunde gehen müssen, und dass , wenn ich jetzt lebe , ich ihm jeden Tag meines Lebens zu ver anken habe. Einmal sagte ich auch zu ihr, dass ich ja wohl eigentlich garkeine Eltern und Geschwister hätte, denn ich sei ja garnicht hier oben , sondern in Deutschland geboren. Und vielleicht hätte Mutter , wenn sie mich als Mädchen zur Weit gebracht hätte, mich garnicht so geliebt wie Andreas . Es war wohl an diesem Tag, dass die Schwester zu mir sagte, alles, was dort unten in D. geschehen sei, sei ein Frevel an der Natur gewesen. Sei ein Spiel mit dem Schicksal gewesen. Ob Andreas denn wirklich nicht hätte weiterleben können? Oder ob es nicht besser, nicht grösser gewesen wäre, wenn Andreas sein schweres Schicksal und seinen gepeinigten Leib weitergetragen hätte bis zum armen Ende? Dann zeigte die Schwester auf all die Gemälde, die sie von Andreas gesammelt hat, und da sah ich, dass ihr ganzes Heim eigentlich ein Muse e um um für Andreas war. Denn alle Wände ihrer Zimmer waren angefüllt mit Andreas ' Bildern. "Siehst du denn nicht," sagte die Schwester , "welch ein Künstler mit ihm zu Grunde gegangen ist? Wie ganz anders er war als du?" "Ja," sagte ich da, "das ist es ja, was beweist, wie recht Andreas tat, dass er mich freigab, denn wir waren ja zwei Wesen, Andreas und ich. Und ich weiss, dass ich als Mensch viel geringer bin als er. Nie das werde erreichen können, was er erreicht hat. Dass ich nie werde malen können, und dass ich auch nicht malen mag. Denn täte ich es, ich fürchtete, ich würde nie an sein Können heranreichen. Aber gerade hieraus siehst du doch, dass es wirklich zwei Wesen gewesen sind, die in dem Leib, den Mutter geboren hat, gewohnt haben. Habe ich nun so viel eingetauscht mit

diesem Leben, das ich endlich allein führen darf, wo du doch selbst sagst, Andreas sei soviel stärker ~~und stärker~~ und tüchtiper gewesen als ich? Er hat ja schon ein langes Leben gelebt und gearbeitet, und ich durfte ja mich kaum zeigen. Und zeigte ich mich, so nanntet ihr alle es ja ein Spiel und einen Betrug und einen Mummenschanz. Drum lass uns beide jetzt Freunde sein und gute Schwestern um unseren toten Bruder Andreas .

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And we sit down on the sofa and before us on the table lay the album with Andreas ' childhood pictures. And we held one another's

hands. And the sister was kind, and she was looking for words. And her eyes looked at me always and her lips also said something. And I don't know if it was only her lips or her eyes, that spoke to me: "Don't be angry that I cannot call you by your name Lili just yet. And that I can't locate you clearly in my thoughts yet. That I just look at you and search for Andreas . In your eyes, around your mouth, in your hands and on your forehead. Because I loved Andreas ' eyes so and also his hands. And also his forehead. I have kissed it so often. That you know. Or you do not know it. But Andreas knows it. Because I am just a year older than Andreas . And when Andreas and I were very little, he was just five years old and I was six years old, I was his little mom. And I had no brother more beautiful, more sweet than he was. He played with my dolls, and he played with my doll stroller. And I called him " Lilleman ," and that means little man. And when I wrote the name down for Mother once, and Mother told me that I had spelled Lilleman with just one N instead of two, there I told Mother that my little brother Andreas was just a Lilleman with one N, because he was not a real man. And Mother smiled then, and you smiled too when you heard it, no not you, Andreas smiled. And he did not really know why he was smiling. And I knew not quite why I had said that, that my Andreas was not a real man. And do you remember how Andreas and I took our doll stroller to the woods? Andreas loved pushing the little cart. But he was scared that others would see him and tease him for it. And do you also know that I then would put Andreas ' small white hands into my own? And do you also know why I did that? You see, Andreas never knew that, but today I can say it. I just did that so that, if someone had surprised us, I could keep pushing the cart by myself, and Andreas could take both of his small hands from the cart's handle, as if nothing had happened ..." And if the sister did not say this with her lips, then she told it with her eyes, but it probably was her lips. And I just

nodded. And I did not cry any tears.

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And I took it quite calmly that she kept searching and searching for Andreas in me with her big, trembling woman's eyes, searching for her little brother, and as I believe today, found him again. She called me by Andreas ' name now and then during those first days and hours, in which we spent many hours talking to one another quite painfully. I always felt as if I had to die then. I said it a couple of times, too. And then I pleaded with her to believe me that I was not Andreas ' murderer, that, if Andreas had not died, I would have perished alongside of him, and that I am living now I have to be grateful to him for every day of my life. I once also said to her that I technically no longer had any parents or siblings, because I hadn't been born up here, but in Germany . And maybe Mother , had she given birth to me as a girl, would have not loved me as much as she did Andreas . It must have been on that day that the sister said to me that everything that had happened down in D. had been an affront to nature. It had been playing with fate. Was Andreas really not able to continue living? Or whether it would not have been better, not had been

greater

Regularized form: grösser

, if Andreas could have carried his fate and his tortured body onwards until his poor end? Then the sister pointed to all of Andreas ' paintings that she had collected, and there I saw that their entire home was actually a museum for Andreas . Because all the walls of their rooms were filled with Andreas ' paintings. "Don't you see," said the sister , "what kind of an artist has perished with him? How completely different he was from you?" "Yes," I said then, "that is what proves how right Andreas was when he freed me, because we were two beings, Andreas and I. And I know, that I as a human being am less significant than he. I will never be able to achieve what he achieved. That I will never be able to paint, and that I don't want to paint. Because if I did, I fear I would never be able to approach his talent. But here you see especially that it really was two beings who had been living in the body that Mother gave birth to. Have I exchanged so much for

this life, that I can now finally lead by myself, where you yourself say that Andreas had been so much stronger and more capable than I? He had lived a long life and worked and I was barely allowed to show myself. And if I showed myself, then you all just called it a game and a deception and a

performance

Regularized form: Mummenschanz

. So let us be friends now and good sisters for the sake of our dead brother Andreas .

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Saa satte vi os hen paa Sofaen, og foran os laa paa Bordet Albumet med Andreas ' Barnebilleder. Og vi holdt længe hinanden i Haanden. Hun var saa god, Andreas ' Søster . Hun søgte efter Ordene. Hun saa hele Tiden paa mig, og hendes Læber bevægede sig, men jeg ved ikke, om det var hendes Mund eller hendes Øjne, der talte til mig:

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— Du maa ikke være ked af det, hvis jeg ikke rigtig kan vænne mig til at sige Lili til Dig ...... og hvis jeg heller ikke rigtig kan finde Dig i mine Tanker ...... at jeg kun ser paa Dig for at prøve paa at genfinde Andreas i dine Øjne, i dine Hænder og paa din Pande. Jeg holdt saa meget af Andreas ' Øjne og af hans Hænder ...... og ogsaa af hans Pande .... som jeg saa ofte har kysset. Det ved Du ...... eller Du ved det maaske ikke ...... men Andreas ved det ...... Jeg var jo kun et Aar ældre end han ...... og da vi var ganske smaa — da han var fem og jeg var seks Aar — var jeg som en lille

Moder for ham ...... han var den kønneste og sødeste af mine Brødre ...... han legede med mine Dukker, og han kørte min Dukkevogn ... Jeg kaldte ham altid for Lillemand , fordi jeg syntes, at det passede til ham ...... og engang, da jeg havde skrevet det ned, og Mo'r sagde, at det var forkert stavet, for det hed ikke Lilleman, men Lillemand med et d ligesom Mand, saa svarede jeg, at det var med Vilje, at jeg havde skrevet det uden d, for han var ikke nogen rigtig Mand. Saa lo Mo'r, og Du lo ogsaa, da Du hørte det, nej, ikke Du, det var Andreas , der lo ...... men han vidste slet ikke, hvad det var, han lo af ...... Og Andreas og jeg gik ud i Skoven og havde Dukkevognen med ...... det var ham, der kørte den, men han var bange for, at andre skulde se det, for saa vilde de drille ham ...... Kan Du huske, at jeg altid lagde min Haand ved Siden af hans paa Haandtaget? Ved Du, hvorfor jeg gjorde det? Nu kan jeg godt fortælle Dig det ...... Det gjorde jeg for, at Andreas , hvis nogen skulde overraske os, hurtigt kunde tage sine Hænder væk, saa at de maatte tro, at det var mig, som kørte Vognen.

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Sagde min Søster alt dette til mig, eller var det kun hendes Øjne, der fortalte mig det? ...... Jeg nikkede bare ...... og jeg græd ...... Jeg fandt mig rolig i, at hendes store, skælvende Kvindeøjne i mange, mange Dage stirrede forskende paa mig, som om hun stadig i mig søgte sin lille Broder ...... Jeg tror nu, at hun ogsaa fandt ham igen ......

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I de første Dage, da vi talte mange Timer sammen, kaldte hun mig ofte ved Andreas ' Navn ...... og hver Gang var det, som om jeg maatte dø ...... Jeg sagde det ogsaa et Par Gange til hende, og jeg bønfaldt hende om at tro mig, jeg var ikke Andreas ' Morder ...... Jeg sagde ogsaa, at hvis han ikke var død, saa maatte jeg jo være gaaet til Grunde sammen med ham, og at jeg nu, hvor jeg levede, havde ham at takke for hver eneste Dag, jeg var til.

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Engang sagde jeg til hende, at jeg vel egentlig hverken havde Forældre eller Søskende, at jeg slet ikke var født her i Danmark , men i Tyskland ...... maaske havde Mo'r , hvis hun havde bragt mig til Verden som Pige, slet ikke brudt sig om mig, for hun elskede sin lille Dreng. Det var vist den Dag, da min Søster erklærede, at alt, hvad der var sket nede i Dresden , havde været en Formastelse, en Forbrydelse mod Naturen, en Leg med Skæbnen. Havde Andreas virkelig ikke kunnet blive ved med at leve? Havde det ikke været

Note: 10*

bedre, havde det ikke været større, om han havde slæbt sit forpinte Legeme videre og baaret sin tunge Skæbne, indtil Døden havde forbarmet sig over ham? Saa pegede hun paa Væggen, der var fyldt med Andreas ' Billeder:

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— Kan Du ikke se, hvilken Kunstner der er gaaet til Grunde med ham? ...... Hvor helt anderledes han var end Du?

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— Jo, svarede jeg, men det beviser netop, at Andreas handlede rigtigt, da han gav mig fri, for vi var to forskellige Væsener, Andreas og jeg ...... jeg ved godt, at jeg som Menneske er langt ringere, end han var ...... jeg vil aldrig kunne naa, hvad han naaede ...... jeg vil aldrig komme til at male, som han malede ...... jeg føler ingen Trang til det, og jeg er bange for at prøve paa det og mærke min Afmagt ...... men netop der af ser Du jo, at det var to forskellige Væsener, der boede i det samme Legeme, som blev til under vor Moders Hjerte ...... Synes Du, at jeg har vundet saa meget ved det Liv, som jeg nu endelig har faaet helt for mig selv? ...... Du siger, at Andreas var baade stærkere og dygtigere end jeg, men han fik jo ogsaa et langt Liv, hvor han levede og arbejdede, medens jeg knapt nok tør vise mig. Viser jeg mig, vil alle, ligesom Du, kalde det Bedrageri, Svindel og Narrespil ...... Lad os derfor være gode Venner og gode Søstre overfor vor Broder Andreas .

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Then we sat on the couch and in front of us on the table was the album with Andreas ' childhood pictures. And we held each other's hands for a long time. She was so good, Andreas ' sister . She searched for the words. She looked at me all the time and her lips moved, but I do not know if it was her mouth or her eyes that spoke to me:

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"Please don't be sad if I can't get used to calling you Lili ...... and if I cannot really find you in my thoughts ...... that I only look at you to try to rediscover Andreas in your eyes, in your hands, and on your forehead. I was so fond of Andreas ' eyes and of his hands ...... and of his forehead too ...... that I have so often kissed. You know that ...... or perhaps you don't know that ...... but Andreas knows ...... I was only a year older than he after all ...... and when we were quite young – when he was five and I was six years old – I was as a little

mother to him ....... he was the prettiest and sweetest of my brothers ...... he played with my dolls and he pushed my doll's pram ... I always called him Lillemand because I thought it suited him ...... and once when I had written it down and mother said that I had spelled it wrong, because it was not Lilleman

Note: This word literally means "Little Man."

but Lillemand with a d like Mand, I answered that I had written it without a d on purpose because he was not a real man. Then mother laughed and you laughed too when you heard it, no, not you, it was Andreas who laughed ...... but he did not know what he was laughing at ...... And Andreas and I went out in the woods and brought the doll's pram with us ...... he was the one who pushed it but he was afraid that others would see because then they would tease him ...... do you remember that I always put my hand beside his on the handle? Do you know why I did that? Now I can tell you ...... I did it so that if someone surprised us, Andreas could quickly remove his hands so that they would think that it was me who pushed the pram."

d1-trc22d01p17

Did my sister say all this to me or was it just her eyes that told me? ...... I just nodded ...... and I cried

Note: The American edition says, "and kept nodding. I did not weep."

...... I calmly accepted that her large trembling woman's eyes stared searchingly at me for many, many days, as if she still sought her little brother in me ...... I really think she found him again ......

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In the first days when we spoke for many hours, she often called me by Andreas ' name ...... and every time it was as if I should die...... I also told her so a couple of times and I begged her to believe me, I was not Andreas ' murderer ...... I also said that if he had not died then I must have perished with him, and that now when I lived I had him to thank for every day I existed.

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Once I told her that I really had neither parents nor siblings, that I was not born here in Denmark at all but in Germany ...... perhaps Mother , if she had given birth to me as a girl, would not have liked me at all for she loved her little boy. I think it was that day that my sister declared that everything that had happened in Dresden had been an outrage, a crime against Nature, a play with destiny. Could Andreas really not have gone on living? Had it not been

better if he had dragged on his tortured body and borne his hard fate until death took pity on him? Then she pointed to the wall that was filled with Andreas ' pictures:

d1-trc22d01p20

"Can't you see what an artist has been lost in him? ...... How completely different he was from you?"

d1-trc22d01p21

Dann saßen wir nebeneinander auf dem Sofa, und vor uns lag auf dem Tisch das Album mit Andreas ' Kinderbildern. Wir hielten uns lange bei den Händen. Und die Schwester war gut, sie suchte nach Worten. Ihre Augen sahen mich an, ihre Lippen sagten etwas . . . Und ich weiß nicht, ob es nun ihre Lippen waren oder ihre Augen, die zu mir sprachen: ›Nicht böse sein, du, daß ich noch gar nicht richtig dich mit deinem Namen Lili nennen kann . . ., daß ich dich noch nicht richtig in meinen Gedanken finden kann. Daß ich dich nur ansehe und darin Andreas suche. In deinen Augen, um deinen Mund, in deinen Händen und auf deiner Stirn. Denn ich habe Andreas ' Augen so geliebt und seine Hände. Und seine Stirn. Ich habe seine Stirn so oft geküßt. Das weißt du. Oder du weißt es nicht. Aber Andreas wüßte es. Denn ich bin ja nur ein Jahr älter als Andreas . Und als Andreas und ich ganz klein waren, er fünf und ich sechs Jahre alt, da war ich sein kleines Mütterchen. Es gab keinen schöneren, keinen süßeren Bruder als ihn. Er spielte mit meinen Puppen, er schob mir meinen Puppenwagen. Und ich nannte ihn „ Lilleman '', kleiner Mann. Als ich dann den Namen einmal für Mutter aufschrieb, und Mutter mir sagte, daß ich ja Lilleman nur mit einem N geschrieben hätte statt mit zwei N, sagte ich, daß mein Brüderchen Andreas nur ein Lilleman mit einem N sei, denn er sei ja gar kein richtiger Mann. Mutter lächelte, und du lächeltest auch, als du es hörtest, nein . . . nicht du . . . Andreas lächelte. Er wußte vielleicht nicht, weshalb er lächelte. Und ich wußte nicht, warum ich das gesagt hatte, mein Andreas sei gar kein richtiger Mann. Und weißt du auch noch, wie wir mit unserem Puppenwagen in den Wald fuhren? Andreas schob so gern den kleinen Wagen. Aber er hatte Furcht, daß ihn andere sähen und ihn deshalb necken könnten. Und weißt du auch noch, daß ich dann immer neben Andreas ' kleine

weiße Händchen meine Hand gelegt hatte? Und weißt du noch, weshalb ich das getan habe? Siehst du, das hat Andreas ja auch nie gewußt, aber heute kann ich es sagen. Das tat ich nur, damit, wenn uns jemand überraschen würde, ich allein den Wagen weiterschieben konnte, und Andreas schnell seine beiden Händchen von dem Wagengriff zurücknehmen konnte, so als wäre gar nichts geschehen . . .‹ Und hat die Schwester dies nicht mit ihren Lippen gesagt, so hat sie es mit ihren Augen erzählt. Aber es waren wohl ihre Lippen. Ich nickte nur, nickte immer wieder. Ich weinte nicht . . . Ich ließ es mir ruhig gefallen, daß sie mit ihren großen, zitternden Frauenaugen in mir viele, viele Tage lang immer nur das Bild von Andreas , ihrem Brüderchen, suchte und suchte und – ich glaube es heute – auch wieder fand. Mitunter hat sie in den ersten Tagen, wo wir viele Stunden oft recht schmerzvoll miteinander sprachen, mich mit Andreas ' Namen genannt. Mir war dann, als wenn ich sterben müßte. Das habe ich ihr auch nicht verschwiegen. Und dann habe ich sie angefleht, mir zu glauben, daß ich nicht Andreas ' Mörder sei, daß, wenn Andreas nicht gestorben wäre, ich ja mit ihm hätte zugrunde gehen müssen, und daß, wenn ich jetzt lebte, ich ihm jeden Tag meines Lebens zu verdanken hätte. Einmal sagte ich, daß ich wohl eigentlich weder Eltern noch Geschwister hätte, denn ich sei ja gar nicht hier oben, sondern in Deutschland geboren. Und vielleicht hätte Mutter , wenn sie mich als Mädchen zur Welt gebracht hätte, mich gar nicht so geliebt wie Andreas . Es war wohl an diesem Tag, daß die Schwester zu mir sagte, alles, was dort unten in Dresden geschehen sei, sei ein Frevel an der Natur gewesen. Sei ein Spiel mit dem Schicksal gewesen. Ob Andreas denn wirklich nicht hätte weiterleben können? Oder ob es nicht besser, nicht größer gewesen wäre, wenn Andreas sein schweres Schicksal und seinen

gepeinigten Leib weitergetragen hätte bis zum armen Ende? Dann zeigte sie auf all die Werke, die sie von Andreas gesammelt hatte, und ich erkannte, daß ihr ganzes Heim eigentlich ein Museum für Andreas war. Denn alle Wände ihrer Zimmer waren angefüllt mit Andreas ' Bildern. ,Siehst du denn nicht', sagte die Schwester , ,welch ein Künstler mit ihm zugrunde gegangen ist? Wie ganz anders er war als du?' ,Ja', sagte ich, ,das ist es ja, was beweist, wie recht Andreas tat, daß er mich freigab, denn wir waren zwei Wesen, Andreas und ich. Ich weiß, daß ich als Mensch viel geringer bin als er . . . nie das werde erreichen können, was er erreicht hat. Daß ich nie werde malen können, ja . . . daß ich nicht einmal malen möchte. Denn täte ich es, ich würde nie an sein Können heranreichen. Aber gerade hieraus siehst du doch, daß es wirklich zwei Wesen gewesen sind, die in dem Leib, den Mutter geboren hat, gewohnt haben. Habe ich nun so viel eingetauscht mit diesem Leben, das ich endlich allein führen darf, wo du doch selbst sagst, Andreas sei so viel stärker und tüchtiger gewesen als ich? Er hat ja schon ein langes Leben gelebt und gearbeitet, und ich durfte mich ja kaum zeigen. Und zeigte ich mich, so nanntet ihr alle es ja ein Spiel, einen Betrug, einen Mummenschanz. Laß uns, ich bitte dich, jetzt Freunde sein und gute Schwestern um unseren toten Bruder Andreas .'

g1c18d01p04

"Then there was the day on which she said: ' Lili , perhaps no wrong has been done. It was

certainly the will of Andreas that everything should happen as it ought to happen. He was always chivalrous. And hence he released you, and withdrew his life for yours.'

a1c18d01p05

Und dann war ein Tag, da sagte die Schwester : "Doch, Lili , es ist wohl kein Unrecht gewesen. Es ist wohl auch sicherlich Andreas ' Wille gewesen, dass alles so gekommen ist, wie es kommen musste. Denn er war ja immer so rittelich. Und deshalb hat er auch dich freigegeben, wenn er dies auch mit seinem Leben hat büssen mussen."

tsc18d01p05

And then there was a day when the sister said: "Well, Lili , no wrong appears to have been done. Certainly it was Andreas ' will that everything happened the way it had to. Because he always was so chivalrous. And that is why he gave you freedom, even if he had to pay for it with his life."

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En anden Gang indrømmede min Søster :

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— Jeg tror alligevel, Lili , at der ikke er sket nogen Uret ...... Det har sikkert ogsaa været Andreas ' Vilje, at alt skulde gaa, som det er gaaet ...... han var jo saa ridderlig ...... derfor syntes han, at det var hans Pligt at give Dig fri, selv om han maatte betale din Frihed med sit eget Liv.

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Another time, my sister admitted:

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"I don't think that an injustice has happened after all, Lili ...... It was probably Andreas ' wish that everything should go as it has ...... he was so chivalrous ...... that is why he thought that it was his duty to release you even if he had to pay for your freedom with his life."

d1-trc22d01p24

Dann war der Tag, an dem sie sprach: , Lili , vielleicht ist es doch kein Unrecht gewesen. Es war ja doch sicherlich Andreas ' Wille, daß alles so kam, wie es kommen mußte . . . Er war immer ritterlich. Und deshalb hat er auch dich freigegeben, trat zurück mit seinem Leben für deines.' Es war ein furchtbares, hartes Ringen zwischen uns beiden, zwischen der Schwester und mir, um meine Anerkennung als Mensch, als Schwester. Und ich weiß, wie unsagbar schwer es auch ihr gefallen ist, endlich,

und sei es auch nur aus Barmherzigkeit, an mich als an ihre Schwester Lili zu glauben und mich aufzunehmen bei sich. Ich habe es ihr nicht leicht gemacht, denn so wie ich mich zeigte und gab, verdeckte ich durch mein Wesen und durch die Art, wie ich sprach, wie ich mich bewegte, wie ich dachte, ganz das Wesen von Andreas . Er war geistreich, klug, interessierte sich für alles, war ein innerlicher Mensch. Und ich war ganz äußerlich. Und ich war es mit Willen. Denn ich mußte ja jeden Tag beweisen, daß ich ein anderes Wesen als er, daß ich Frau war. Eine gedankenlose, leicht hinlebende, sehr auf Äußerliches bedachte Frau, putzsüchtig, vergnügungssüchtig, ja, ich glaube auch kindisch. Und jetzt kann ich es ruhig sagen: all dies war bestimmt nicht nur ein Possenspiel. Es war wirklich meine Wesensart, unbekümmert, sorglos, unlogisch, launenhaft.

g1c18d01p05

"It was a terribly hard contest between my sister and me for my recognition as a person, as a sister. And I know how unspeakably hard she found it to believe in me as her sister Lili and to receive me, though it were only out of compassion. I did not make it easy for her, for whenever I showed myself, by my character and by the way in which I spoke, in which I moved, in which I thought, I veiled completely the character of Andreas . He was ingenious, sagacious, and interested in everything—a reflective and thoughtful man. And I was quite superficial. Deliberately so. For I had to demonstrate every day that I was a different creature from him, that I was a woman. A thoughtless, flighty, very superficially minded woman, fond of dress and fond of enjoyment, yes, I believe even childish. And I can say it calmly now: all this was certainly not merely farcical acting. It was really my character, untroubled, carefree, illogical, capricious.

a1c18d01p06

Es war ein furchtbares, hartes Ringen zwischen uns beiden, zwischen der Schwester und mir, um meine Anerkennung als Mensch, als Schweste

Regularized form: r.

Und ich weiss, wie unsagbar schwer es der Schwester gefallen ist, endlich, und sei es auch nur aus Barmherzigkeit, an mich als an ihre Schwester Lili zu glauben und mich aufzunehmen bei sich. Ich habe es ihr auch nicht leicht gemacht, denn so wie ich mich zeigte und gab, verdeckte ich durch mein Wesen und durch die Art , wie ich sprach, wie ich mich bewegte, wie ich dachte, ganz das Wesen von Andreas . Er war geistreich, war klug, interessierte sich für alles, war ein innerli

Regularized form: cher

Mensch. Und ich war ganz äusserlich. Und ich war es mit Willen. Denn ich musste ja jeden Tag beweisen, dass ich ein anderes Wesen als er, ~~und~~ dass ich Frau war. Eine gedankenlose, leicht hinlebende, sehr aufs Äusserliche bedachte Frau, putzsüchtig, vergnügungssüchtig, ja, ich glaube auch kindlich. Und jetzt kann ich es ruhig sagen: all dies war bestimmt nicht nur ein Possenspiel. Es war wirklich meine Wesensart, unbekümmert, sorglos, unlogisch, auch launenhaft.

tsc18d01p06

It was a terrible struggle between the two of us, between the sister and me, for my recognition as a human being, as a sister. And I know how incredibly hard it was for the sister to finally, and if only just out of compassion, to believe in me as her sister Lili and to welcome me with her. I did not make it easy for her, because of how I showed myself and how I behaved, through the way I talked, how I moved, how I thought, I concealed all in the nature of Andreas . He was witty, he was smart, was interested in everything, was an introverted person. And I was all extrovert. And I was that way deliberately. Because I had to prove every day that I was a different being from him, that I was a woman. A thoughtless, carefree living woman, focused solely on superficialities, addicted to cleaning, addicted to entertainment, yes, I also believe childish. And I can say it now: all of that was not a farce. It was really the nature of my being, careless, illogical, and moody.

ts-trc18d01p06

Saaledes var der en stadig og haardnakket Kamp mellem hende og mig om min Ret til at være til ...... og jeg ved, hvor forfærdelig svært det faldt hende, da hun til sidst — selv om det ogsaa kun var af Barmhjertighed — tvang sig til at tro paa mig og tage mig ind til sig som sin Søster, som Lili ...... Jeg selv gjorde det heller ikke lettere for hende. Gennem hele mit Væsen, gennem hele den Maade, jeg bevægede mig paa, gennem alt, hvad jeg sagde, gjorde jeg, hvad jeg kunde, for at bevise hende, at jeg var et andet Menneske end Andreas .

d1c22d01p25

Han var klog og aandfuld, levende interesseret, han var et Menneske, der gravede i Dybden ...... Jeg var ganske overfladisk ...... og

jeg var det med Vilje ...... jeg vilde vise hende, at jeg var en helt anden, at jeg var Kvinde ...... Jeg var tankeløs, pjanket, pyntesyg og fornøjelsessyg, ja, jeg kan godt sige barnlig ...... og nu kan jeg roligt tilstaa det, det var afgjort ikke altsammen Forstillelse ...... Jeg var virkelig ubekymret, sorgløs, ulogisk og lunefuld ...... Jeg understregede det bare, førte mit Væsen et Stykke videre ud.

d1c22d01p26

Thus there was a continuous and persistent battle between her and me about my right to exist ...... and I know how terribly difficult it was for her when she eventually – even if it was only out of charity – forced herself to believe in me and embrace me as her sister, as Lili ...... I myself did not make it any easier for her. Through all of my being, through the way I moved, through everything I said, I did what I could to prove to her that I was another person than Andreas .

d1-trc22d01p25

He was smart and witty, curious, and contemplative ...... I was quite superficial ...... and

I was so on purpose ...... I wanted to show her that I was someone completely different, that I was a woman ...... I was thoughtless, silly, fond of finery, and pleasure-seeking, yes, it is safe to say childish ...... and now I can confess that it was definitely not all pretence ...... I was really unconcerned, carefree, illogical, and capricious ...... I just accentuated it, took my nature a step further.

d1-trc22d01p26

g1c18d01p05

"During the weeks I spent in my sister 's house I could not overcome my shyness of people and the melancholy which oppressed me so here in Copenhagen . For I noticed, when I regarded myself of an evening alone in my bedroom, I would look tired, done up, and impossible. And I felt that everybody in Copenhagen , even my family, regarded me as a phenomenon. To be sure, people gradually got used to me,

were kind to me, and let me have my own way. They tried to persuade me that I need have no fear about my appearance, as I looked like every other woman. Nevertheless, I was assailed by a deadly fear if I left the garden with my sister 's son for a short walk. The tiniest smudge on the face intimidated me at that time so much that I would only sally forth with him heavily veiled. I felt like a pariah. Other women could be ugly, could commit every possible crime. I, however, must be beautiful, must be immaculate, else I lost every right to be a woman. Else I should have dishonoured him who had created me, Werner Kreutz . There were days on which I did not want to leave my room, when I felt pursued by everybody in Copenhagen . All the feeling of security and freedom which had been mine in the clinic in Dresden and also in Berlin completely left me here. And it was so difficult to write to the Professor . However much I wanted to, I could not bring myself to write him, as he would only see in me a despondent, helpless, hopeless person."

a1c18d01p07

Die wenigen Wochen, die ich in dem Haus der Schwester verbracht habe, konnte ich meine Scheu vor Menschen und die Melancholie, die mich hier in Kopenhagen bedrückt hat, nicht überwinden. Denn ich merkte, wenn ich mich abends allein in meinem Kämmerchen betrachtete, dass ich müde und vertan und unmöglich aussah. Und ich fühlte, dass mich alle hier in Kopenhagen , auch meine Familie, als Phänomen betrachteten. Gewiss gewöhnte man sich allmählich in dem Haus der Schwester an mich, man war gut zu mir, man liess sich meine Launen gefallen. Man versuchte

mir einzureden, dass ich keine Angst um mein Äusseres zu haben brauch t e, da ich aussähe wie jede andere Frau. Todes a ä ngst e stand ich damals aus, wenn ich mit dem Sohn der Schwester den Garten verliess und kurze Spaziergänge machte. Die kleinste Unsauberkeit auf dem Gesicht verschüchterte mich damals so sehr, dass ich nur tief verschleiert mit ihm ausgehen mochte, ich kam mir vor wie ein Paria. Andere Frauen durften hässlich, durften unschön sein, durften alle möglichen Gebrechen haben. Nur ich, ich muss schön sein, ich muss makellos sein, denn sonst habe ich ja jedes Recht verloren, Frau zu sein. Denn sonst mache ich ja ihm, der mich geschaffen hat, Werner Kreutz , Unehre. Tage gab es, wo ich nicht einmal mein Zimmer verlassen mochte, wo ich mich verfolgt glaubte von jedem Wesen hier in Kopenhagen . All das Gefühl der Geborgenheit und Freiheit, das ich unten in der "Frauenklinik" und auch in Berlin besessen hatte, war hier mir völlig verlorengegangen. Und es fällt mir auch so schwer, an den Professor zu schreiben. ~~Denn~~ s S o, wie ich schreiben möchte, darf ich ihm nicht schreiben, denn er würde ja einen verzagten, hilflosen, hoffnungslosen Menschen in mir sehen müssen ...."

tsc18d01p07

The few weeks that I spent in the sister 's house I could not get over my shyness before people, and the melancholia pressing down on me here in Copenhagen . Because I noticed when I looked at myself at night alone in my small room, that I looked tired and used up and impossible. And I felt that everyone here in Copenhagen was looking at me like a phenomenon, even my family. Certainly they got slowly used to me in the sister 's house , they were good to me, they indulged my moods. They tried

to tell me that I should not be afraid for my outward appearance, since I looked like every other woman. I was afraid for my life back then whenever I left the garden with the sister 's son and went on brief walks. The smallest speck of dirt on my face intimidated me so much that I would only go out with him thickly veiled, I felt like a pariah. Other women were allowed to be ugly, were allowed not to be beautiful, were allowed to have all kinds of defects. Just I, I had to be beautiful, I had to be perfect, because otherwise I would have lost every right to be a woman. Because otherwise I would bring dishonor to the one who made me, Werner Kreutz . There were days on which I wasn't even willing to leave my room, on which I felt persecuted by every being here in Copenhagen . All the feelings of freedom and safety that I had in the "Women's Clinic" and in Berlin I had lost here completely. And it is hard for me to write to the Professor , too. I cannot write to him the way I want to write him, because he would have to see a despondent, helpless, hopeless person in me ...."

ts-trc18d01p07

I de faa Uger, jeg tilbragte i min Søster s Hjem , kunde jeg ikke overvinde min Skyhed for Menneskene og den Melankoli, der havde grebet mig ved min Ankomst til København . Jeg mærkede, naar jeg om Aftenen alene i mit Soveværelse kritisk betragtede mig selv, at jeg saa træt, udslidt og umulig ud ......

d1c22d01p27

Jeg følte, at alle her i København , ogsaa min Familie, saa påa mig som et Fænomen. Ganske vist vænnede man sig efterhaanden i min Søster s Hjem til at betragte mig som Kvinde, man var god imod mig og fandt sig i mine Luner. Man søgte ogsaa at sætte Mod i mig ved at fortælle mig, at jeg slet ikke behøvede at være bange, at jeg saa ud som alle andre Damer.

d1c22d01p28

Alligevel var jeg dødsensangst, hver Gang jeg sammen med min Søstersøn gik udenfor Haven for at foretage en Spadseretur. Den mindste Urenhed i min Teint gjorde et voldsomt Indtryk paa mig og fik mig til at tage et tæt Slør paa. Jeg forekom mig selv som en Paria. Alle andre Kvinder havde Lov til at være uskønne, til at være hæslige, til at have alle mulige Mangler og Fejl i deres Ydre. Men jeg maatte være køn; hvis jeg ikke saa godt ud, havde jeg mistet enhver Adkomst til at eksistere, til at være Kvinde ...... for saa gjorde jeg ikke længere ham, der havde skabt mig, Professor Werner Kreutz , Ære.

d1c22d01p29

Der var Dage, hvor jeg ikke engang vilde forlade mit Værelse, hvor jeg troede mig forfulgt af alle i hele Byen. Den Følelse af paa samme Tid at være fri og være værnet, der paa Frauenklinik havde gjort mig saa tryg, og som selv i Berlin havde styrket og støttet mig, var nu ganske forbi ...... Det faldt mig ogsaa saa vanskeligt at skrive til Professoren ...... Saaledes, som jeg helst vilde skrive, turde jeg det ikke, saa vilde han betragte mig som en foragtelig og holdningsløs Person ......

d1c22d01p30

During the few weeks I spent in my sister 's home , I could not overcome my shyness of people and the melancholy that had seized me on my arrival in Copenhagen . I noticed, when I observed myself critically alone in my bedroom at night, that I looked tired, worn out and impossible ......

d1-trc22d01p27

I felt that everyone here in Copenhagen including my family looked on me as a phenomenon. It is true that in my sister 's home they gradually got used to regarding me as a woman, they were good to me and put up with my whims. They also tried to encourage me by telling me that I did not have to be afraid at all, that I looked like any other lady.

d1-trc22d01p28

Still I was scared to death each time I left the garden with my nephew to take a walk. The slightest impurity in my complexion made a strong impression on me and made me wear a thick veil. I appeared to myself as an outcast. All other women were allowed to be ugly, to be hideous, to have all kinds of defects and flaws in their appearance. But I had to be pretty

Note: In Danish, the word "køn" is a homonym meaning both "pretty" and "gender."

; if I did not look good, I had lost any right to exist, to be a woman ...... because then I no longer did credit to the man who had created me, Professor Werner Kreutz .

d1-trc22d01p29

There were days when I would not even leave my room, when I imagined myself persecuted by the whole town. The feeling of being free and sheltered at the same time that had made me so safe at Frauenklinik and had strengthened and supported me even in Berlin was now completely gone ...... I also found it very difficult to write to the Professor ...... I dared not write the way I wanted to, then he would regard me as a despicable person lacking strength of character ......"

d1-trc22d01p30

Während der Wochen, die ich in dem Haus der Schwester verbracht habe, konnte ich meine Scheu vor Menschen und die Melancholie, die mich hier in Kopenhagen so bedrückt, nicht überwinden. Denn ich merkte, wenn ich mich abends allein in meinem Kämmerchen betrachtete, daß ich müde und vertan und unmöglich aussah. Und ich fühlte, daß mich alle hier in Kopenhagen , auch meine Familie, als Phänomen betrachteten. Gewiß gewöhnte man sich allmählich an mich, war gut zu mir, ließ sich meine Launen gefallen. Man versuchte mir einzureden, daß ich keine Angst um mein Äußeres zu haben brauchte, da ich aussähe wie jede andere Frau. Trotzdem stand ich Todesangst aus, wenn ich mit dem Sohn der Schwester den Garten verließ und kurze Spaziergänge machte. Die kleinste Unsauberkeit auf dem Gesicht verschüchterte mich damals so sehr, daß ich nur tief verschleiert mit ihm ausgehen mochte. Ich kam mir vor wie ein Paria. Andere Frauen durften häßlich, durften unschön sein, durften alle möglichen Gebrechen haben. Nur

ich, ich mußte schön, mußte makellos sein, denn sonst hatte ich ja jedes Recht verloren, Frau zu sein. Denn sonst machte ich ja ihm, der mich geschaffen hatte, Werner Kreutz , Unehre. Tage gab es, an denen ich nicht einmal mein Zimmer verlassen mochte, wo ich mich verfolgt glaubte von jedem Wesen hier in Kopenhagen . All das Gefühl der Geborgenheit und Freiheit, das ich in der ‚Frauenklinik' in Dresden und auch in Berlin besessen hatte, war mir hier völlig verlorengegangen. Und es war so schwer, an den Professor zu schreiben! So, wie ich schreiben wollte, konnte ich ihm nicht schreiben, denn er würde ja einen verzagten, hilflosen, hoffnungslosen Menschen in mir sehen müssen . . .«

g1c18d01p06

From the day on which Lili rented her attic in the town , her courage began to rise again. Grete was free, and could begin a new life. Lili was the first to telegraph this glad news to Feruzzi , their friend in Italy . And it was Lili , too, who urged Grete to journey south to join their friend as quickly as she could. Grete smiled. She knew Lili better; she knew that Lili still needed her here. For Lili would have to mix with people and eventually overcome her timidity in the world. So very

gradually Grete initiated her most intimate friends into the secret of Lili 's existence, brought Lili into contact with them, until Lili felt sufficiently tranquil to take her first walk through the streets of Copenhagen . Nobody recognized her. She even ventured with a number of friends, who immediately accepted her for what she was, as a woman, into cafés and restaurants. She went alone into shops to make purchases, and eventually visited a hairdresser's. And when her friend Inger arrived one day from Berlin , Lili seemed to have quite overcome the serious emotional crisis through which she had been obliged to pass in Copenhagen . Inger , who had not seen Lili since the first operation in Berlin , was delighted at her friend's appearance. They spent a few carefree, joyous, undisturbed days with each other. They shopped together, visited dressmakers, went on walks and excursions, and finally Lili even ventured with her friend along

the "Strog"

Regularized form: the "Strög"

, Copenhagen 's Oxford Street. No, she need no longer have any fear; nobody saw anything unusual in her; her anonymity in Copenhagen seemed to be secured from all dangers. When, therefore, strolling arm-in-arm with Inger along the Rathausplatz she saw two of Andreas ' studio comrades approaching, without being recognized by them, and when she heard one whispering to the other: "By Jove, what a fine pair of legs!" meaning Lili 's legs, she swallowed the remark with avidity, not only as a compliment, but as a hundred per cent recognition of her identity as a woman.

a1c18p006

Seit dem Tage, wo Lili ihre kleine Giebelwohnung in der Stadt bezogen hatte, begann ihr Mut sich wieder zu heben. Grete war frei. Ein neues Leben konnte Grete jetzt beginnen. Und Lili war die erste, die an den Freund in Italien , an Feruzzi , diese frohe Kunde telegraphierte. Und Lili wer es auch, die Grete bat, so schnell wie sie nur konnte, südwärts zu dem Freund zu fahren. Grete lächelte. Sie kannte Lili besser, sie wusste, dass Lili ihrer noch hier oben bedurfte. Denn Lili musste unter Menschen kommen, sie musste endlich ihre Scheun vor der Welt überwinden. Und so weihte Grete allmählich Ihre intimsten Freund e innen in das Geheimnis von Lili s Existenz ein, brachte Lili mit ~~diesen Freunden~~ ihnen zusammen, und endlich fühlte sich Lili ruhig genug, um durch Kopenhagen s Strassen ihre ersten Spaziergänge zu machen. Niemand erkannte sie. Sie wagte sich sogar mit ein paar Freundinnen, die sie sofort als das , was sie war, als Frau, aufnahmen, in Kaffees und Restaurants. Sie wagte sich in Geschäfte hinein, um Einkäufe zu machen, besuchte schliesslich sogar Frisier-Salons. Und als gar eines Tages die Freundin Inger aus Berlin hier eintraf, da schien Lili die schwere Krise, die sie seelisch in Kopenhagen hatte

durchmachen müssen, ganz überstanden zu haben. Inger , die Lili seit der ersten Operation in Berlin nicht gesehen hatte, war entzückt über das Aussehen der Freundin. Ein paar sorglose, frohe, unbeschwerte Tage verlebten sie mit einander. Einkäufe wurden gemeinsam besorgt, Schneiderinnen besucht, Spaziergänge und Ausflüge unternommen, und schliesslich wagte sich Lili mit der Freundin sogar über den " Strög " , Kopenhagen s Tauentzienstrasse . Nein, sie brauchte keine Furcht mehr zu haben, niemand sah in ihr etwas Aussergewöhnliches, ihre Anonymität in Kopenhagen schien gegen alle Gefahren gesichert zu sein.

tsc18p008

Und als sie dann gar noch eines Tages auf den Rathausplatz am Arm von Inger ein paar Studienkumpane von Andreas daherkommen sah, ohne von ihnen erkannt zu werden, und als sie dann gar noch hörte, wie der eine dem anderen zuflüsterte: "Donnerwetter, was für elegante Damenbeine," - und er hatte damit Lili s Beine gemeint - , da kassierte Lili dieses fast aufjubelnd nicht nur als ein Kompliment, sondern sogar als hundertprozentige Anerkennung ihrer Identität als Frau ein.

tsc18p009

Since the day on which Lili had moved into her small attic apartment in the city , her courage was rising again. Grete was free. Grete could begin a new life now. And Lili was the first who telegraphed to the friend in Italy , to Feruzzi , about the good news. And it also was Lili who asked Grete to go southward to the friend as fast as she could. Grete smiled. She knew Lili better, she knew Lili needed her still up here. Because Lili had to go among people, she had to finally to overcome her shyness of the world. And so Grete slowly initiated her most intimate girlfriends into the secrets of Lili 's existence, brought Lili together with them, and finally Lili felt calm enough to take her first walks through the streets of Copenhagen . Nobody recognized her. She even dared to go to cafés and restaurants with a few friends who immediately accepted her for who she was, as a woman. She dared to enter shops to run errands, even visited a beauty salon. And one day when Inger arrived from Berlin , Lili seemed to have overcome the severe emotional crisis she had to endure

here in Copenhagen . Inger , whom Lili had not seen since the first operation in Berlin , was delighted by the looks of her friend. They spent a couple of carefree, happy, unburdened days together. They went shopping together, went to tailors, went on walks and excursions, and finally Lili even dared to walk down the " Strög " with her friend, Copenhagen 's Tauentzienstrasse . No, she no longer needed to be afraid, nobody saw anything extraordinary in her, her anonymity in Copenhagen seemed to guard her from all dangers.

ts-trc18p008

And then when approaching the townhall square on Inger 's arm, she saw a few fellow students of Andreas without being recognized by them, and one of them whispered to the other: "

Wow

Regularized form: Donnerwetter

what elegant women's legs!" – and he had meant Lili 's legs with that – Lili did not just take this as a compliment, but even as a hundred percent recognition of her identity as a woman.

ts-trc18p009

Men fra det Øjeblik, Lili flyttede ind i de to smaa Gavlværelser, begyndte hendes Mod at vende tilbage.

d1c22p010

Grete var fri ... Grete kunde begynde paa et nyt Liv ...... det var Lili , der telegraferede den glædelige Efterretning til Ferruzzi i Italien , og det var ogsaa hende, der bad Grete om saa hurtigt som muligt at tage sydpaa for at møde sin Ven ...... Grete smilte, hun kendte Lili bedre ...... hun vidste, at hun endnu trængte til hende. Lili maatte først lære at komme ud mellem Mennesker, hun maatte overvinde sin Angst for andre ...... Efterhaanden indviede Grete de Venner, med hvem hun stod paa en fortrolig Fod, i Lili s Eksistens og bragte hende sammen med dem.

d1c22p011

Endelig følte Lili sig rolig nok til at gaa en Tur paa København s Gader. Ingen kunde kende hende ...... hun dristede sig endogsaa til sammen med et Par Veninder , der straks havde behandlet hende som det, hun var, en Kvinde, at gaa paa Kaféer og Restauranter. Hun vovede sig ind i Forretningerne og gjorde Indkøb, og en Dag tog hun ovenikøbet Mod til sig og gik op til en Damefrisør for at lade sit Haar gøre i Stand.

d1c22p012

Og da hendes gode Veninde, Inger , kom fra Berlin , lod hun til helt at være kommet over den sjælelige Krise, som havde gennemrystet hende den første Tid af hendes Ophold i København . Inger , der ikke havde set hende siden Dagen efter hendes første Operation i Berlin , var henrykt over hendes Udseende, og som et Par gode Veninder tilbragte de nogle muntre og glade Dage sammen. De gik i Butiker, de gik til Inger s Skræderinde, der ogsaa skulde sy noget for Lili , de foretog Udflugter, og til sidst fik hun Lili overtalt til at vise sig paa Strøget sammen med hende ......

d1c22p013

Nej, Lili behøvede ikke længere at være bange, ingen kunde se noget usædvanligt ved hende. Hun kunde roligt færdes overalt, uden at frygte for at blive genkendt.

d1c22p014

En Dag, da Inger og hun kom gaaende over Raadhuspladsen , mødte de et Par Herrer, der havde været Andreas ' Studiekammerater . Ikke blot viste de ikke Tegn paa Genkendelse, men de hørte den ene hviske til den anden: »Det var et Par flotte Ben, Du!« Det var Lili s Ben, og hun jublede, ikke for Komplimentens Skyld, men fordi hun nu følte sig ganske sikker.

d1c22p015

But from the moment that Lili moved into the two small gabled rooms her courage began to return.

d1-trc22p010

Grete was free ... Grete could start a new life ...... it was Lili who telegraphed the good news to Feruzzi in Italy , and it was also she who asked Grete to travel south as soon as possible to meet her friend ...... Grete smiled, she knew Lili better ...... she knew that she still needed her. Lili had to learn to get out among people first, she had to overcome her fear of others ...... Gradually Grete let the friends with whom she was on confidential terms in on Lili 's existence and brought her and them together.

d1-trc22p011

Finally Lili felt calm enough to take a walk in the streets of Copenhagen . No one recognised her ...... she even ventured to visit cafés and restaurants with a couple of female friends who immediately treated her as what she was, a woman. She ventured into shops and made purchases, and one day she even plucked up her courage and went up to a ladies' hairdresser to have her hair done.

d1-trc22p012

And when her good friend Inger came from Berlin she seemed to be completely over the mental crisis that had shaken her during the first part of her stay in Copenhagen . Inger , who had not seen her since the day after her first operation in Berlin , was delighted by her appearance, and as a couple of good friends they spent some cheerful and happy days together. They went shopping, they went to Inger 's seamstress who was also to sew something for Lili , they went on trips, and finally she persuaded Lili to show herself on Strøget

Note: The main shopping street in Copenhagen, closed to traffic.

......

d1-trc22p013

No. Lili did not need to be afraid anymore, no one could see anything unusual about her. She could safely go anywhere without fearing to be recognised.

d1-trc22p014

One day when Inger and she were walking across Rådhuspladsen

Note: The town hall square.

they met a couple of gentlemen who had been Andreas ' friends from his student days . Not only did they not show any signs of recognition, but they heard one whisper to the other: "Those were a fine pair of legs!" They were Lili 's legs and she was jubilant, not because of the compliment, but because she now felt quite secure.

d1-trc22p015

Seit dem Tage, an dem Lili ihre kleine Giebelwohnung in der Stadt bezogen hatte, begann sich ihr Mut wieder zu heben. Grete war frei . . . konnte ein neues Leben beginnen. Lili war die erste, die an den Freund in Italien , an Feruzzi , diese frohe Kunde telegraphierte. Und Lili war es auch, die Grete bat, so schnell, wie sie nur konnte, südwärts zu dem Freund zu fahren. Grete lächelte. Sie kannte Lili besser, sie wußte, daß Lili ihrer noch hier oben bedurfte. Denn Lili mußte unter Menschen kommen, sie mußte endlich ihre Scheu vor der Welt überwinden. So ganz allmählich weihte Grete ihre intimsten Freundinnen in das Geheimnis von Lili s Existenz ein, brachte Lili mit ihnen zusammen, bis Lili sich ruhig genug fühlte, um durch Kopenhagen s Straßen ihre ersten Spaziergänge zu machen. Niemand erkannte sie. Sie wagte sich sogar mit ein paar Freundinnen, die sie sofort als das, was sie war, als Frau, aufnahmen, in Cafes und Restaurants. Sie wagte sich in Geschäfte hinein, um Einkäufe zu machen, besuchte schließlich sogar Frisiersalons. Und als gar eines Tages die Freundin Inger aus Berlin eintraf, da schien Lili die schwere Krise,

die sie seelisch in Kopenhagen hatte durchmachen müssen, ganz überstanden zu haben. Inger , die Lili seit der ersten Operation in Berlin nicht gesehen hatte, war entzückt über das Aussehen der Freundin. Ein paar sorglose, frohe, unbeschwerte Tage verlebten sie miteinander. Einkäufe wurden gemeinsam besorgt, Schneiderinnen besucht, Spaziergänge und Ausflüge unternommen, und schließlich getraute sich Lili mit der Freundin sogar über den »Strög« , Kopenhagen s Tauentzinstraße. Nein, sie brauchte keine Furcht mehr zu haben, niemand sah in ihr etwas Außergewöhnliches, ihre Anonymität in Kopenhagen schien gegen alle Gefahren gesichert zu sein. Als sie dann gar noch eines Tages auf dem Rathausplatz am Arm von Inger ein paar Studienkumpane von Andreas daherkommen sah, ohne von ihnen erkannt zu werden, und als sie dann gar noch hörte, wie der eine dem anderen zuflüsterte: »Donnerwetter, was für elegante Damenbeine« – es waren Lili s! Beine gemeint – da kassierte sie dies fast aufjubelnd nicht nur als ein Kompliment, sondern als hundertprozentige Anerkennung ihrer Identität als Frau ein.

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Only one thing troubled her rather more than she liked

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In contrast to Grete 's and Andreas '

women friends, who had long since accepted Lili as one of themselves, with few exceptions, all the male friends of Andreas avoided Lili . Grete , who had expected help and sympathy for Lili from them most of all, and in this belief had revealed Lili 's existence to them, was very distressed over this failure on the part of Andreas ' friends, all the more so as just at that time the whole secret of Andreas and Lili was divulged in Copenhagen through the indiscretion of a Parisian woman friend and eventually published in unreserved fashion by an organ of the Press. Lili learned of this by accident. All her gaiety vanished again. For many days she would not stir out of her attic. She paid no heed to anything, and could not understand why none of Andreas ' friends found their way to her. A little entry in her diary tells of this:

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Eines betrübte sie nur sehr. Im Gegensatz zu Grete s und Andreas ' Freundinnen ~~von einst~~ , die Lili längst in ihren Bund aufgenommen hatten, mieden alle Freunde von Andreas Lili , – mit nur ganz wenigen Ausnahmen. Grete , die gerade von ~~Andreas Freunden~~ ihnen menschliche Hilfe und Teilnahme für Lili erwartet ~~hatte~~ und in diesem Glauben ihnen Lili s Dasein verraten hatte , war über dieses Versagen von Andreas Freunden sehr unglücklich. Umsomehr, als gerade zu jener Zeit durch die Indiskretion einer Pariser Freundin das ganze Geheimnis um Andreas und Lili in Kopenhagen verraten ~~worden~~ und schliesslich von einem üblen Schmutzblatt auf die hässlichste Weise ausgenutzt worden war. Durch einen Zufall erfuhr Lili hiervon. Ihr ganzer Frohsinn war wieder dahin. Sie verliess viele Tage lang ihre kleinen Giebelzimmer nicht mehr. Sie verschloss sich allen, und sie errie r fast hellseherisch, weshalb keiner von Andreas ' Freunden den Weg zu ihr fand. Eine kleine Eintragung in Ihr Tagebuch erzählt hiervon:

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But one thing kept nagging her. Unlike Grete 's and Andreas ' women friends from the past who long since had accepted Lili in their midst, all of Andreas ' male friends kept avoiding Lili – with very few exceptions. Grete , who had expected humane help and acceptance especially from Andreas ' friends for Lili and who, believing in that, had revealed Lili 's existence to them, was very unhappy about this failure of Andreas ' friends. Even more so since the whole secret of Andreas and Lili had, through the indiscretion of a Parisian friend , been betrayed and eventually had been exploited in the most ugly ways by an despicable rag of a newspaper. Lili learned of this by chance. All of her happiness vanished again. She did not leave her small attic room for many days. She locked herself away from everything and guessed almost like a soothsayer why none of Andreas ' friends found their way to her. A small entry in her diary tells of this:

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Kun én Ting bedrøvede hende. I Modsætning til Andreas ' og Grete s Veninder, der forlængst havde optaget hende i deres Kreds, søgte Andreas ' Venner — med ganske enkelte Undtagelser — at undgaa Lili . Grete , der forstod, i hvor høj Grad hun trængte til men-

neskelig Deltagelse og Forstaaelse, var meget ulykkelig over denne Tilbageholdenhed, saa meget mere som Lili s Hemmelighed, takket være en Pariserveninde s Indiskretion — var sivet ud, og alle mulige Rygter var kommet i Omløb. Rygter, der svælgede i Pikanteri og Forargelse. Ved et Tilfælde kom de Lili for Øre, og dermed var hele hendes glade Tryghed som strøget af hende. Mange Dage igennem turde hun ikke mere vise sig uden for sine Værelser, hun lukkede sig inde for alle, og nu forstod hun med ét, hvorfor ingen af Andreas ' Venner havde fundet Vej til hende.

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Hun skrev om det i sin Dagbog:

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Only one thing made her sad. Unlike Andreas ' and Grete 's female friends who had let her into their circle long ago, Andreas ' male friends – with very few exceptions – sought to avoid Lili . Grete who understood how much she needed human

compassion and understanding was very unhappy about this reluctance, so much more because Lili 's secret, thanks to the indiscretion of a female Parisian friend , had leaked and all sorts of rumours had come into circulation. Rumours that wallowed in piquant stories and scandal. By chance they reached Lili 's ears and with them all her happy confidence was swept away. For many days she dared not show herself outside her rooms, she shut herself off from everyone, and now she suddenly understood why none of Andreas ' friends had found their way to her.

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She wrote about it in her diary:

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Eines betrübte sie nur sehr. Im Gegensatz zu Grete s und Andreas ' Freundinnen, die Lili längst in ihren Bund aufgenommen hatten, mieden mit wenigen Ausnahmen alle Freude von Andreas Lili . Grete , die gerade von ihnen menschliche Hilfe und Teilnahme für Lili erwartet und in diesem Glauben ihnen Lili s Dasein verraten hatte, war über dieses Versagen von Andreas ' Freunden sehr unglücklich. Um so mehr, als gerade zu jener Zeit durch die Indiskretion einer Pariser Freundin das ganze Geheimnis um Andreas und Lili in Kopenhagen verraten und schließlich von einem üblen Schmutzblatt auf die häßlichste Weise ausgenutzt worden war. Durch einen Zufall erfuhr Lili hiervon. Ihr ganzer Frohsinn war wieder dahin. Sie verließ viele Tage lang ihre kleinen Giebel-

zimmer nicht mehr. Sie verschloß sich allen, konnte nicht fassen, weshalb keiner von Andreas ' Freunden den Weg zu ihr fand. Eine kleine Eintragung in ihr Tagebuch erzählt hiervon:

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"How is it possible that all Andreas ' friends here have left me in the lurch? That they all avoid me as if I were a pariah? What have I done to them? Andreas was always ready to help them. He was always a reliable friend. And now one of them says that just because he esteemed Andreas so highly he could never recognize Lili . Lili would always stand between him and Andreas . He would shudder at offering her his hand. This sentiment is nothing but an eruption of overweening masculinity. And another excuses himself with other subterfuges. One could not be seen walking with Lili in the streets without compromising himself. Copenhagen was too small to show oneself publicly with such a pitiful creature, unmolested and unsuspected."

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"Als ich am zweiten Tage meines

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»Hvor er det muligt, at alle Andreas ' Venner forraader mig ...... at de alle sammen undgaar mig og behandler mig, som om jeg var en Udstødt? ...... Hvad har jeg gjort dem? Andreas var jo altid selv god og hjælpsom ...... og han var meget overbærende over for sine Venner ...... Og nu skal én af dem have sagt, at netop fordi han havde sat saa stor Pris paa Andreas , kunde han slet ikke tænke sig at træffe mig. Jeg vilde altid komme til at staa imellem ham og Andreas . Han vilde føle Lede ved at række mig Haanden. Denne Følelse skulde være et Udslag af hans sunde Menneskelighed. En anden undskyldte sig med andre Udflugter ...... man kunde ikke risikere at komme til at gaa paa Gaden med mig uden at kompromittere sig selv. København var altfor lille til, at man uden at udsætte sig selv for Sladder kunde vise sig offentligt sammen med et saadant Væsen«.

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How is it possible that all of Andreas ' male friends betray me ...... that they all avoid me and treat me as if I were an outcast? ...... What have I done to them? Andreas himself was always good and ready to help ...... and he was very forgiving with his friends ...... And now one of them is supposed to have said that exactly because he valued Andreas so highly, he would not like to meet me at all. I would always stand between him and Andreas . He would find it revolting to give me his hand. This feeling was supposed to be a sign of his healthy humanity. Another excused himself with other evasions ...... one could not risk walking on the street with me without compromising oneself. Copenhagen was far too small to show oneself with such a being without exposing oneself to gossip.

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»Wie ist es möglich, daß alle Freunde Andreas ' mich hier verraten? Daß sie mich alle meiden, als wäre ich eine Aussätzige? Was habe ich ihnen getan? Andreas war immer hilfsbereit zu ihnen. Er war immer ein zuverlässiger Freund. Und jetzt sagt einer von ihnen, gerade weil er Andreas so sehr geschätzt habe, könne er nie und nimmer Lili anerkennen. Lili würde immer zwischen ihm und Andreas stehen. Er würde einen Ekel bekommen, ihr die Hand zu reichen. Dies Empfinden sei nichts als der Ausschlag gesunder Männlichkeit. Und ein anderer entschuldigt sich mit anderen Ausflüchten. Man könne nicht mit Lili über die Straße gehen, ohne sich zu kompromittieren. Kopenhagen sei zu klein, um unbehelligt und unverdächtigt mit einem derartig beladenen Wesen sich öffentlich zu zeigen.«

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Lili herself never read the lurid article which a sensational journalist had published concerning Andreas and her, but the appearance of this article sufficed to clinch her determination to leave Copenhagen as quickly as possible. Now she knew that in Copenhagen she was outlawed. And panic-stricken she left the city. She would have preferred to return to Germany immediately; but one of Andreas ' brothers in

Veijle

Regularized form: Vejle

, their native place in Jutland , implored her to visit him, if only for a few days. He was ready to accept and cherish her as a sister, and assured her that she could always find a home and peace and quiet with him. Lili went to him. She carried out this resolve as if in a dream. "Yes, go," her sister and everybody who had Lili 's good at heart had said, "go back again to our little home town . Perhaps you will there recover your equilibrium. And if later on you should want to return to your helper in Germany , then do so. But first recover your gaiety and yourself."

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Lili hat selber niemals den Schmutzartikel, den ein Pamphletist niedrigster Sorte über Andreas ' und ihr Schicksal veröffentlicht hatte, gelesen. Aber das Erscheinen dieses Artikels genügte, um in ihr den Entschluss zur Reife zu bringen, so schnell wie möglich Kopenhagen zu verlassen. Jetzt wusste sie, dass sie hier ihres Lebens nicht mehr würde froh werden können. Jetzt wusste sie, dass sie in Kopenhagen vogelfrei und geächtet war. Und fluchtartig verliess sie die Stadt. Am liebsten wäre sie sogleich zurück nach Deutschland gefahren, doch ihr einer Bruder in Ihrer Heimatstadt in Jütland bat sie, zu ihm zu kommen, wenn auch nur ~~auf~~ für wenige Tage. Er wollte sie als Schwester aufnehmen und hegen, und wenn sie wollte, könnte sie bei ihm immer Obdach und Heimat und Ruhe und Frieden finden.

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Und Lili fuhr hin zu ihm. Wie eine Schlafwandlerin führte sie diesen Entschluss aus. "Tu e es,"

hatte

Regularized form: hatten

die Schwester und alle, die es hier gut mit Lili meinten, gesagt, "fahre einmal zurück nach unserem kleinen Heimatstädtchen . Vielleicht kannst du dort wirklich deinen Gleichklang wiederfinden. Und willst du dann später zurück zu deinem Helfer nach Deutschland , so tu e auch dies. Aber finde vorher Frohsinn und dich selber wieder." Dies sagte die Schwester . Und Lili glaubte an die Schwester .

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Lili herself had never read the dirty article a pamphleteer of the lowest order had published about Andreas ' and her fate. But the publication of the article was enough to make her resolve to leave Copenhagen as quickly as possible. She knew now that she would not find it possible to lead a happy life here. Now she knew she was outlawed and ostricized in Copenhagen . And she hastily left the city. She would have preferred to go straight back to Germany , but one of her brothers in her hometown

Note: The American edition names the town, Veijle, a misspelling of Vejle, Einar Wegener's birthplace.

in Jutland asked her to come to him, if just for a few days. He wanted to accept her as a sister and care for her, and if she wanted, she could forever find shelter and home and peace and quiet with him.

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And Lili went to him. Like a somnambulist she executed that decision. "Do it," her sister and everyone who meant well with Lili had said, "go back to our small home town . Maybe there you can find harmony again. And if you want to return to your helper in Germany later, then do that too. But first find happiness and yourself again." The sister said this. And Lili believed in her sister .

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❡

Lili hat selber niemals den Schmutzartikel, den ein Pamphletist niedrigster Sorte über Andreas ' und ihr Schicksal veröffentlicht hatte, gelesen. Aber das Erscheinen dieses Artikels genügte, um in ihr den Entschluß zur Reife zu bringen, so schnell wie möglich Kopenhagen zu verlassen. Jetzt wußte sie, daß sie hier ihres Lebens nicht mehr würde froh werden können. Jetzt wußte sie, daß sie in Kopenhagen vogelfrei und geächtet war. Und fluchtartig verließ sie die Stadt. Am liebsten wäre sie sogleich zurück nach Deutschland gefahren, doch einer von Andreas ' Brüdern in Vejle , der Heimatstadt in Jütland , bat sie, zu ihm zu kommen, wenn auch nur für wenige Tage. Er wollte sie als Schwester aufnehmen und hegen, und wenn sie wollte, könnte sie bei ihm immer Obdach und Heimat, Ruhe und Frieden finden. Lili fuhr

hin zu ihm. Wie eine Schlafwandlerin führte sie diesen Entschluß aus. »Tu es«, hatte die Schwester und alle, die es hier gut mit Lili meinten, gesagt, »fahre einmal zurück nach unserem kleinen Heimatstädtchen . Vielleicht kannst du dort wirklich deinen Gleichklang wiederfinden. Und willst du dann später zurück zu deinem Helfer nach Deutschland , so tu auch dies. Aber finde vorher Frohsinn und dich selber wieder.«

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A few days before this Grete had left for the South—for Italy .

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Ein paar Tage vorher war Grete südwärts - nach Italien gereist.

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A few days before Grete had traveled south - to Italy .

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Et Par Dage før var Grete rejst sydpaa — til Italien .

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A couple of days earlier Grete had travelled south – to Italy .

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Ein paar Tage vorher war Grete südwärts – nach Italien gereist.

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TS: Lili Elbe Buch (German Typescript)

Chapter 18

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es gerade dieses "normale Ehescheidungsgesetz", auf das sowohl die beauftragten Rechtsanwälte wie auch das Richterkollegium, denen die Angelegenheit zur Erledigung übergeben worden war, als einzige

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Regularized form: Handhabe

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gøres, saa forlangte Loven først en Separation, hvor de to Ægtefæller skulde leve adskilte, inden man bevilgede den endelige Skilsmisse, og det vilde tage et Par Aar.

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— Skulde jeg ikke kunne gøre det for Dig, svarede Lili glædestraalende, Du, som har ofret saa meget for mig? ...... Tror Du, at jeg i dette Øjeblik kunde tænke paa mig selv?

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be done the law required a separation first where the two spouses should live apart before the final divorce was granted and that would take a few years.

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"Should I not be able to do that for you," Lili answered beaming with joy, "you who have sacrificed so much for me? ...... Do you think that I could think of myself at this moment?"

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Note: The American edition says this occurs on the 6th of October. The Wegeners' marriage was annulled by the court, not by decree of the King of Denmark.

it was declared by a special royal resolution that the marriage entered into by Andreas and Grete Sparre must be considered invalid.

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Shortly before this Lili had left her sister 's villa and found a retreat in a couple of attics in the house of an acquaintance .

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Lili war kurz vorher aus der Villa der Schwester ausgezogen und hatte in dem Haus einer Bekannten ein paar Giebelstübchen für sich allein als Unterkunft gefunden.

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Lili had moved out of her sister 's villa shortly before and had found a few attic rooms in the house of an acquaintance as shelter for her alone.

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Lili war kurz vorher aus der Villa der Schwester ausgezogen und hatte in dem Haus einer Bekannten ein paar Giebelstübchen für sich als Unterkunft gefunden.

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On the 10th October she began. The first incident she recorded was her meeting with Andreas ' sister

Regularized form: .

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Am 10. Oktober begann sie dieses Tagebuch. Und sie schrieb:

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She began her diary on October 10. And she wrote:

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Am 10. Oktober begann sie. Das erste, was sie niederschrieb, war ihre Begegnung mit Andreas ' Schwester .

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"Als ich am zweiten Tage meines

Regularized form: K

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Selv om jeg aldrig vil komme til at male, saa vil dog det Billede, jeg saa i Spejlet, stadig staa tydeligt og klart for mig.

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Note: 10

Søskende, sine to Brødre og sin Søster . Dengang anede han endnu intet om den skæbnesvangre Livskamp, der ventede ham ...... han legede og var glad.

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Even if I would never paint, the image I saw in the mirror will still remain clear to me.

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Note: "Vandreaar" (Danish) or "Wanderjahre" refers to a specific period of travelling and apprenticeship in a young man's life.

appeared before me.

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siblings, his two brothers and his sister . At that time he had no idea of the fateful life struggle that lay in store for him ...... he played and was happy.

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Then the door opens and a woman with dark hair and blue eyes and hesitant arms steps into the room: Andreas ' sister . And I got up, and I stood before Andreas ' sister . And the sister

Note: "die Schwester" is translated as "my sister" in the American edition. We will retain the article rather than choose a possessive pronoun.

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Saa sagde jeg:

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— Goddag! ...... Du maa være god mod din Søster Lili .

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Then the door opened and a lady with dark hair and blue eyes hesitantly stepped into the room. It was Andreas ' sister . I got up and stood right in front of her. She

Note: The American edition uses, "my sister" here, while the German edition uses, "the sister."

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Then I said:

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"Hello! ...... You must be kind to your sister Lili ."

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I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all other well-groomed women.'

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Then the door opens and a woman with dark hair and blue eyes and hesitant arms steps into the room: Andreas ' sister . And I got up, and I stood before Andreas ' sister . And the sister

Note: "die Schwester" is translated as "my sister" in the American edition. We will retain the article rather than choose a possessive pronoun.

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Maaske jeg ogsaa sagde noget andet. Maaske sagde jeg:

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— Tag godt imod mig og hold af mig, som Du holdt af Andreas .

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Eller maaske sagde jeg slet ingen Ting. Eller jeg smilede maaske bare og forklarede:

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Perhaps I said something else too. Perhaps I said:

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"Please accept me and care for me as you cared for Andreas ."

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Or perhaps I did not say anything at all. Or perhaps I just smiled and explained:

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Note: The American edition says, "I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all other well-groomed women."

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Und dann setzten wir uns auf das Sofa, und vor uns lag auf dem Tisch das Album mit Andreas ' Kinderbildern. Und wir hielten lange

nur, nickte immer wieder. Und ich weinte auch garkeine Tränen.

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And we sit down on the sofa and before us on the table lay the album with Andreas ' childhood pictures. And we held one another's

nodded. And I did not cry any tears.

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greater

Regularized form: grösser

performance

Regularized form: Mummenschanz

. So let us be friends now and good sisters for the sake of our dead brother Andreas .

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Note: 10*

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— Kan Du ikke se, hvilken Kunstner der er gaaet til Grunde med ham? ...... Hvor helt anderledes han var end Du?

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Note: This word literally means "Little Man."

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Did my sister say all this to me or was it just her eyes that told me? ...... I just nodded ...... and I cried

Note: The American edition says, "and kept nodding. I did not weep."

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better if he had dragged on his tortured body and borne his hard fate until death took pity on him? Then she pointed to the wall that was filled with Andreas ' pictures:

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"Can't you see what an artist has been lost in him? ...... How completely different he was from you?"

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"Then there was the day on which she said: ' Lili , perhaps no wrong has been done. It was

certainly the will of Andreas that everything should happen as it ought to happen. He was always chivalrous. And hence he released you, and withdrew his life for yours.'

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En anden Gang indrømmede min Søster :

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Another time, my sister admitted:

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Es war ein furchtbares, hartes Ringen zwischen uns beiden, zwischen der Schwester und mir, um meine Anerkennung als Mensch, als Schweste

Regularized form: r.

Regularized form: cher

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Han var klog og aandfuld, levende interesseret, han var et Menneske, der gravede i Dybden ...... Jeg var ganske overfladisk ...... og

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He was smart and witty, curious, and contemplative ...... I was quite superficial ...... and

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d1-trc22d01p28

Note: In Danish, the word "køn" is a homonym meaning both "pretty" and "gender."

; if I did not look good, I had lost any right to exist, to be a woman ...... because then I no longer did credit to the man who had created me, Professor Werner Kreutz .

d1-trc22d01p29

d1-trc22d01p30

g1c18d01p06

the "Strog"

Regularized form: the "Strög"

a1c18p006

tsc18p008

tsc18p009

ts-trc18p008

And then when approaching the townhall square on Inger 's arm, she saw a few fellow students of Andreas without being recognized by them, and one of them whispered to the other: "

Wow

Regularized form: Donnerwetter

what elegant women's legs!" – and he had meant Lili 's legs with that – Lili did not just take this as a compliment, but even as a hundred percent recognition of her identity as a woman.

ts-trc18p009

Men fra det Øjeblik, Lili flyttede ind i de to smaa Gavlværelser, begyndte hendes Mod at vende tilbage.

d1c22p010

d1c22p011

d1c22p012

d1c22p013

Nej, Lili behøvede ikke længere at være bange, ingen kunde se noget usædvanligt ved hende. Hun kunde roligt færdes overalt, uden at frygte for at blive genkendt.

d1c22p014

d1c22p015

But from the moment that Lili moved into the two small gabled rooms her courage began to return.

d1-trc22p010

d1-trc22p011

d1-trc22p012

Note: The main shopping street in Copenhagen, closed to traffic.

......

d1-trc22p013

No. Lili did not need to be afraid anymore, no one could see anything unusual about her. She could safely go anywhere without fearing to be recognised.

d1-trc22p014

One day when Inger and she were walking across Rådhuspladsen

Note: The town hall square.

d1-trc22p015

g1c18p006

Only one thing troubled her rather more than she liked

Regularized form: .

In contrast to Grete 's and Andreas '

a1c18p007

tsc18p010

ts-trc18p010

d1c22p016

Hun skrev om det i sin Dagbog:

d1c22p017

d1-trc22p016

She wrote about it in her diary:

d1-trc22p017

zimmer nicht mehr. Sie verschloß sich allen, konnte nicht fassen, weshalb keiner von Andreas ' Freunden den Weg zu ihr fand. Eine kleine Eintragung in ihr Tagebuch erzählt hiervon:

g1c18p007

a1c18d02p01

"Als ich am zweiten Tage meines

Regularized form: K

tsc18d01p01

ts-trc18d01p01

d1c22d02p01

d1-trc22d02p01

g1c18d02p01

Veijle

Regularized form: Vejle

a1c18p008

tsc18p011

Und Lili fuhr hin zu ihm. Wie eine Schlafwandlerin führte sie diesen Entschluss aus. "Tu e es,"

hatte

Regularized form: hatten

tsc18p012

Note: The American edition names the town, Veijle, a misspelling of Vejle, Einar Wegener's birthplace.

ts-trc18p011

ts-trc18p012

❡

Lili hat selber niemals den Schmutzartikel, den ein Pamphletist niedrigster Sorte über Andreas ' und ihr Schicksal veröffentlicht hatte, gelesen. Aber das Erscheinen dieses Artikels genügte, um in ihr den Entschluß zur Reife zu bringen, so schnell wie möglich Kopenhagen zu verlassen. Jetzt wußte sie, daß sie hier ihres Lebens nicht mehr würde froh werden können. Jetzt wußte sie, daß sie in Kopenhagen vogelfrei und geächtet war. Und fluchtartig verließ sie die Stadt. Am liebsten wäre sie sogleich zurück nach Deutschland gefahren, doch einer von Andreas ' Brüdern in Vejle , der Heimatstadt in Jütland , bat sie, zu ihm zu kommen, wenn auch nur für wenige Tage. Er wollte sie als Schwester aufnehmen und hegen, und wenn sie wollte, könnte sie bei ihm immer Obdach und Heimat, Ruhe und Frieden finden. Lili fuhr

g1c18p008

A few days before this Grete had left for the South—for Italy .

a1c18p009

Ein paar Tage vorher war Grete südwärts - nach Italien gereist.

tsc18p013

A few days before Grete had traveled south - to Italy .

ts-trc18p013

Et Par Dage før var Grete rejst sydpaa — til Italien .

d1c22p023

A couple of days earlier Grete had travelled south – to Italy .

d1-trc22p023

Ein paar Tage vorher war Grete südwärts – nach Italien gereist.

g1c18p009

TS-TR: Lili Elbe Buch (English Translation of German Transcript)

Chapter 18

a1c18p001

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d1c22p001

d1c22p002

d1-trc22p001

d1-trc22p002

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es gerade dieses "normale Ehescheidungsgesetz", auf das sowohl die beauftragten Rechtsanwälte wie auch das Richterkollegium, denen die Angelegenheit zur Erledigung übergeben worden war, als einzige

Handhaber

Regularized form: Handhabe

tsc18p002

tsc18p003

tsc18p004

ts-trc18p002

ts-trc18p003

ts-trc18p004

d1c22p003

gøres, saa forlangte Loven først en Separation, hvor de to Ægtefæller skulde leve adskilte, inden man bevilgede den endelige Skilsmisse, og det vilde tage et Par Aar.

d1c22p004

d1c22p005

— Skulde jeg ikke kunne gøre det for Dig, svarede Lili glædestraalende, Du, som har ofret saa meget for mig? ...... Tror Du, at jeg i dette Øjeblik kunde tænke paa mig selv?

d1c22p006

d1c22p007

d1-trc22p003

be done the law required a separation first where the two spouses should live apart before the final divorce was granted and that would take a few years.

d1-trc22p004

d1-trc22p005

"Should I not be able to do that for you," Lili answered beaming with joy, "you who have sacrificed so much for me? ...... Do you think that I could think of myself at this moment?"

d1-trc22p006

Note: The American edition says this occurs on the 6th of October. The Wegeners' marriage was annulled by the court, not by decree of the King of Denmark.

it was declared by a special royal resolution that the marriage entered into by Andreas and Grete Sparre must be considered invalid.

d1-trc22p007

g1c18p002

Shortly before this Lili had left her sister 's villa and found a retreat in a couple of attics in the house of an acquaintance .

a1c18p003

Lili war kurz vorher aus der Villa der Schwester ausgezogen und hatte in dem Haus einer Bekannten ein paar Giebelstübchen für sich allein als Unterkunft gefunden.

tsc18p005

Lili had moved out of her sister 's villa shortly before and had found a few attic rooms in the house of an acquaintance as shelter for her alone.

ts-trc18p005

d1c22p008

d1-trc22p008

Lili war kurz vorher aus der Villa der Schwester ausgezogen und hatte in dem Haus einer Bekannten ein paar Giebelstübchen für sich als Unterkunft gefunden.

g1c18p003

a1c18p004

tsc18p006

ts-trc18p006

d1c22p008

d1-trc22p008

g1c18p004

On the 10th October she began. The first incident she recorded was her meeting with Andreas ' sister

Regularized form: .

a1c18p005

Am 10. Oktober begann sie dieses Tagebuch. Und sie schrieb:

tsc18p007

She began her diary on October 10. And she wrote:

ts-trc18p007

d1c22p008

d1-trc22p008

Am 10. Oktober begann sie. Das erste, was sie niederschrieb, war ihre Begegnung mit Andreas ' Schwester .

g1c18p005

a1c18d01p01

"Als ich am zweiten Tage meines

Regularized form: K

tsc18d01p01

ts-trc18d01p01

d1c22d01p01

d1c22d01p02

Selv om jeg aldrig vil komme til at male, saa vil dog det Billede, jeg saa i Spejlet, stadig staa tydeligt og klart for mig.

d1c22d01p03

d1c22d01p04

d1c22d01p05

d1c22d01p06

d1c22d01p07

Note: 10

Søskende, sine to Brødre og sin Søster . Dengang anede han endnu intet om den skæbnesvangre Livskamp, der ventede ham ...... han legede og var glad.

d1c22d01p08

d1-trc22d01p01

d1-trc22d01p02

Even if I would never paint, the image I saw in the mirror will still remain clear to me.

d1-trc22d01p03

d1-trc22d01p04

Note: "Vandreaar" (Danish) or "Wanderjahre" refers to a specific period of travelling and apprenticeship in a young man's life.

appeared before me.

d1-trc22d01p05

d1-trc22d01p06

d1-trc22d01p07

siblings, his two brothers and his sister . At that time he had no idea of the fateful life struggle that lay in store for him ...... he played and was happy.

d1-trc22d01p08

g1c18d01p01

a1c18d01p02

tsc18d01p02

Then the door opens and a woman with dark hair and blue eyes and hesitant arms steps into the room: Andreas ' sister . And I got up, and I stood before Andreas ' sister . And the sister

Note: "die Schwester" is translated as "my sister" in the American edition. We will retain the article rather than choose a possessive pronoun.

ts-trc18d01p02

d1c22d01p09

Saa sagde jeg:

d1c22d01p10

— Goddag! ...... Du maa være god mod din Søster Lili .

d1c22d01p11

Then the door opened and a lady with dark hair and blue eyes hesitantly stepped into the room. It was Andreas ' sister . I got up and stood right in front of her. She

Note: The American edition uses, "my sister" here, while the German edition uses, "the sister."

d1-trc22d01p09

Then I said:

d1-trc22d01p10

"Hello! ...... You must be kind to your sister Lili ."

d1-trc22d01p11

g1c18d01p02

I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all other well-groomed women.'

a1c18d01p03

tsc18d01p02

Then the door opens and a woman with dark hair and blue eyes and hesitant arms steps into the room: Andreas ' sister . And I got up, and I stood before Andreas ' sister . And the sister

Note: "die Schwester" is translated as "my sister" in the American edition. We will retain the article rather than choose a possessive pronoun.

ts-trc18d01p02

Maaske jeg ogsaa sagde noget andet. Maaske sagde jeg:

d1c22d01p12

— Tag godt imod mig og hold af mig, som Du holdt af Andreas .

d1c22d01p13

Eller maaske sagde jeg slet ingen Ting. Eller jeg smilede maaske bare og forklarede:

d1c22d01p14

d1c22d01p15

Perhaps I said something else too. Perhaps I said:

d1-trc22d01p12

"Please accept me and care for me as you cared for Andreas ."

d1-trc22d01p13

Or perhaps I did not say anything at all. Or perhaps I just smiled and explained:

d1-trc22d01p14

Note: The American edition says, "I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all other well-groomed women."

d1-trc22d01p15

g1c18d01p03

a1c18d01p04

Und dann setzten wir uns auf das Sofa, und vor uns lag auf dem Tisch das Album mit Andreas ' Kinderbildern. Und wir hielten lange

nur, nickte immer wieder. Und ich weinte auch garkeine Tränen.

tsc18d01p03

tsc18d01p04

And we sit down on the sofa and before us on the table lay the album with Andreas ' childhood pictures. And we held one another's

nodded. And I did not cry any tears.

ts-trc18d01p03

greater

Regularized form: grösser

performance

Regularized form: Mummenschanz

. So let us be friends now and good sisters for the sake of our dead brother Andreas .

ts-trc18d01p04

d1c22d01p16

d1c22d01p17

d1c22d01p18

d1c22d01p19

Note: 10*

d1c22d01p20

— Kan Du ikke se, hvilken Kunstner der er gaaet til Grunde med ham? ...... Hvor helt anderledes han var end Du?

d1c22d01p21

d1c22d01p22

d1-trc22d01p16

Note: This word literally means "Little Man."

d1-trc22d01p17

Did my sister say all this to me or was it just her eyes that told me? ...... I just nodded ...... and I cried

Note: The American edition says, "and kept nodding. I did not weep."

d1-trc22d01p18

d1-trc22d01p19

better if he had dragged on his tortured body and borne his hard fate until death took pity on him? Then she pointed to the wall that was filled with Andreas ' pictures:

d1-trc22d01p20

"Can't you see what an artist has been lost in him? ...... How completely different he was from you?"

d1-trc22d01p21

g1c18d01p04

"Then there was the day on which she said: ' Lili , perhaps no wrong has been done. It was

certainly the will of Andreas that everything should happen as it ought to happen. He was always chivalrous. And hence he released you, and withdrew his life for yours.'

a1c18d01p05

tsc18d01p05

ts-trc18d01p05

En anden Gang indrømmede min Søster :

d1c22d01p23

d1c22d01p24

Another time, my sister admitted:

d1-trc22d01p23

d1-trc22d01p24

g1c18d01p05

a1c18d01p06

Es war ein furchtbares, hartes Ringen zwischen uns beiden, zwischen der Schwester und mir, um meine Anerkennung als Mensch, als Schweste

Regularized form: r.

Regularized form: cher

tsc18d01p06

ts-trc18d01p06

d1c22d01p25

Han var klog og aandfuld, levende interesseret, han var et Menneske, der gravede i Dybden ...... Jeg var ganske overfladisk ...... og

d1c22d01p26

d1-trc22d01p25

He was smart and witty, curious, and contemplative ...... I was quite superficial ...... and

d1-trc22d01p26

g1c18d01p05

a1c18d01p07

tsc18d01p07

ts-trc18d01p07

d1c22d01p27

d1c22d01p28

d1c22d01p29

d1c22d01p30

d1-trc22d01p27

d1-trc22d01p28

Note: In Danish, the word "køn" is a homonym meaning both "pretty" and "gender."

; if I did not look good, I had lost any right to exist, to be a woman ...... because then I no longer did credit to the man who had created me, Professor Werner Kreutz .

d1-trc22d01p29

d1-trc22d01p30

g1c18d01p06

the "Strog"

Regularized form: the "Strög"

a1c18p006

tsc18p008

tsc18p009

ts-trc18p008

And then when approaching the townhall square on Inger 's arm, she saw a few fellow students of Andreas without being recognized by them, and one of them whispered to the other: "

Wow

Regularized form: Donnerwetter

what elegant women's legs!" – and he had meant Lili 's legs with that – Lili did not just take this as a compliment, but even as a hundred percent recognition of her identity as a woman.

ts-trc18p009

Men fra det Øjeblik, Lili flyttede ind i de to smaa Gavlværelser, begyndte hendes Mod at vende tilbage.

d1c22p010

d1c22p011

d1c22p012

d1c22p013

Nej, Lili behøvede ikke længere at være bange, ingen kunde se noget usædvanligt ved hende. Hun kunde roligt færdes overalt, uden at frygte for at blive genkendt.

d1c22p014

d1c22p015

But from the moment that Lili moved into the two small gabled rooms her courage began to return.

d1-trc22p010

d1-trc22p011

d1-trc22p012

Note: The main shopping street in Copenhagen, closed to traffic.

......

d1-trc22p013

No. Lili did not need to be afraid anymore, no one could see anything unusual about her. She could safely go anywhere without fearing to be recognised.

d1-trc22p014

One day when Inger and she were walking across Rådhuspladsen

Note: The town hall square.

d1-trc22p015

g1c18p006

Only one thing troubled her rather more than she liked

Regularized form: .

In contrast to Grete 's and Andreas '

a1c18p007

tsc18p010

ts-trc18p010

d1c22p016

Hun skrev om det i sin Dagbog:

d1c22p017

d1-trc22p016

She wrote about it in her diary:

d1-trc22p017

zimmer nicht mehr. Sie verschloß sich allen, konnte nicht fassen, weshalb keiner von Andreas ' Freunden den Weg zu ihr fand. Eine kleine Eintragung in ihr Tagebuch erzählt hiervon:

g1c18p007

a1c18d02p01

"Als ich am zweiten Tage meines

Regularized form: K

tsc18d01p01

ts-trc18d01p01

d1c22d02p01

d1-trc22d02p01

g1c18d02p01

Veijle

Regularized form: Vejle

a1c18p008

tsc18p011

Und Lili fuhr hin zu ihm. Wie eine Schlafwandlerin führte sie diesen Entschluss aus. "Tu e es,"

hatte

Regularized form: hatten

tsc18p012

Note: The American edition names the town, Veijle, a misspelling of Vejle, Einar Wegener's birthplace.

ts-trc18p011

ts-trc18p012

❡

Lili hat selber niemals den Schmutzartikel, den ein Pamphletist niedrigster Sorte über Andreas ' und ihr Schicksal veröffentlicht hatte, gelesen. Aber das Erscheinen dieses Artikels genügte, um in ihr den Entschluß zur Reife zu bringen, so schnell wie möglich Kopenhagen zu verlassen. Jetzt wußte sie, daß sie hier ihres Lebens nicht mehr würde froh werden können. Jetzt wußte sie, daß sie in Kopenhagen vogelfrei und geächtet war. Und fluchtartig verließ sie die Stadt. Am liebsten wäre sie sogleich zurück nach Deutschland gefahren, doch einer von Andreas ' Brüdern in Vejle , der Heimatstadt in Jütland , bat sie, zu ihm zu kommen, wenn auch nur für wenige Tage. Er wollte sie als Schwester aufnehmen und hegen, und wenn sie wollte, könnte sie bei ihm immer Obdach und Heimat, Ruhe und Frieden finden. Lili fuhr

g1c18p008

A few days before this Grete had left for the South—for Italy .

a1c18p009

Ein paar Tage vorher war Grete südwärts - nach Italien gereist.

tsc18p013

A few days before Grete had traveled south - to Italy .

ts-trc18p013

Et Par Dage før var Grete rejst sydpaa — til Italien .

d1c22p023

A couple of days earlier Grete had travelled south – to Italy .

d1-trc22p023

Ein paar Tage vorher war Grete südwärts – nach Italien gereist.

g1c18p009

D1: Fra Mand til Kvinde (Danish Edition)

Chapter 22

a1c18p001

tsc18p001

ts-trc18p001

d1c22p001

d1c22p002

d1-trc22p001

d1-trc22p002

g1c18p001

a1c18p002

es gerade dieses "normale Ehescheidungsgesetz", auf das sowohl die beauftragten Rechtsanwälte wie auch das Richterkollegium, denen die Angelegenheit zur Erledigung übergeben worden war, als einzige

Handhaber

Regularized form: Handhabe

tsc18p002

tsc18p003

tsc18p004

ts-trc18p002

ts-trc18p003

ts-trc18p004

d1c22p003

gøres, saa forlangte Loven først en Separation, hvor de to Ægtefæller skulde leve adskilte, inden man bevilgede den endelige Skilsmisse, og det vilde tage et Par Aar.

d1c22p004

d1c22p005

— Skulde jeg ikke kunne gøre det for Dig, svarede Lili glædestraalende, Du, som har ofret saa meget for mig? ...... Tror Du, at jeg i dette Øjeblik kunde tænke paa mig selv?

d1c22p006

d1c22p007

d1-trc22p003

be done the law required a separation first where the two spouses should live apart before the final divorce was granted and that would take a few years.

d1-trc22p004

d1-trc22p005

"Should I not be able to do that for you," Lili answered beaming with joy, "you who have sacrificed so much for me? ...... Do you think that I could think of myself at this moment?"

d1-trc22p006

Note: The American edition says this occurs on the 6th of October. The Wegeners' marriage was annulled by the court, not by decree of the King of Denmark.

it was declared by a special royal resolution that the marriage entered into by Andreas and Grete Sparre must be considered invalid.

d1-trc22p007

g1c18p002

Shortly before this Lili had left her sister 's villa and found a retreat in a couple of attics in the house of an acquaintance .

a1c18p003

Lili war kurz vorher aus der Villa der Schwester ausgezogen und hatte in dem Haus einer Bekannten ein paar Giebelstübchen für sich allein als Unterkunft gefunden.

tsc18p005

Lili had moved out of her sister 's villa shortly before and had found a few attic rooms in the house of an acquaintance as shelter for her alone.

ts-trc18p005

d1c22p008

d1-trc22p008

Lili war kurz vorher aus der Villa der Schwester ausgezogen und hatte in dem Haus einer Bekannten ein paar Giebelstübchen für sich als Unterkunft gefunden.

g1c18p003

a1c18p004

tsc18p006

ts-trc18p006

d1c22p008

d1-trc22p008

g1c18p004

On the 10th October she began. The first incident she recorded was her meeting with Andreas ' sister

Regularized form: .

a1c18p005

Am 10. Oktober begann sie dieses Tagebuch. Und sie schrieb:

tsc18p007

She began her diary on October 10. And she wrote:

ts-trc18p007

d1c22p008

d1-trc22p008

Am 10. Oktober begann sie. Das erste, was sie niederschrieb, war ihre Begegnung mit Andreas ' Schwester .

g1c18p005

a1c18d01p01

"Als ich am zweiten Tage meines

Regularized form: K

tsc18d01p01

ts-trc18d01p01

d1c22d01p01

d1c22d01p02

Selv om jeg aldrig vil komme til at male, saa vil dog det Billede, jeg saa i Spejlet, stadig staa tydeligt og klart for mig.

d1c22d01p03

d1c22d01p04

d1c22d01p05

d1c22d01p06

d1c22d01p07

Note: 10

Søskende, sine to Brødre og sin Søster . Dengang anede han endnu intet om den skæbnesvangre Livskamp, der ventede ham ...... han legede og var glad.

d1c22d01p08

d1-trc22d01p01

d1-trc22d01p02

Even if I would never paint, the image I saw in the mirror will still remain clear to me.

d1-trc22d01p03

d1-trc22d01p04

Note: "Vandreaar" (Danish) or "Wanderjahre" refers to a specific period of travelling and apprenticeship in a young man's life.

appeared before me.

d1-trc22d01p05

d1-trc22d01p06

d1-trc22d01p07

siblings, his two brothers and his sister . At that time he had no idea of the fateful life struggle that lay in store for him ...... he played and was happy.

d1-trc22d01p08

g1c18d01p01

a1c18d01p02

tsc18d01p02

Then the door opens and a woman with dark hair and blue eyes and hesitant arms steps into the room: Andreas ' sister . And I got up, and I stood before Andreas ' sister . And the sister

Note: "die Schwester" is translated as "my sister" in the American edition. We will retain the article rather than choose a possessive pronoun.

ts-trc18d01p02

d1c22d01p09

Saa sagde jeg:

d1c22d01p10

— Goddag! ...... Du maa være god mod din Søster Lili .

d1c22d01p11

Then the door opened and a lady with dark hair and blue eyes hesitantly stepped into the room. It was Andreas ' sister . I got up and stood right in front of her. She

Note: The American edition uses, "my sister" here, while the German edition uses, "the sister."

d1-trc22d01p09

Then I said:

d1-trc22d01p10

"Hello! ...... You must be kind to your sister Lili ."

d1-trc22d01p11

g1c18d01p02

I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all other well-groomed women.'

a1c18d01p03

tsc18d01p02

Then the door opens and a woman with dark hair and blue eyes and hesitant arms steps into the room: Andreas ' sister . And I got up, and I stood before Andreas ' sister . And the sister

Note: "die Schwester" is translated as "my sister" in the American edition. We will retain the article rather than choose a possessive pronoun.

ts-trc18d01p02

Maaske jeg ogsaa sagde noget andet. Maaske sagde jeg:

d1c22d01p12

— Tag godt imod mig og hold af mig, som Du holdt af Andreas .

d1c22d01p13

Eller maaske sagde jeg slet ingen Ting. Eller jeg smilede maaske bare og forklarede:

d1c22d01p14

d1c22d01p15

Perhaps I said something else too. Perhaps I said:

d1-trc22d01p12

"Please accept me and care for me as you cared for Andreas ."

d1-trc22d01p13

Or perhaps I did not say anything at all. Or perhaps I just smiled and explained:

d1-trc22d01p14

Note: The American edition says, "I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all other well-groomed women."

d1-trc22d01p15

g1c18d01p03

a1c18d01p04

Und dann setzten wir uns auf das Sofa, und vor uns lag auf dem Tisch das Album mit Andreas ' Kinderbildern. Und wir hielten lange

nur, nickte immer wieder. Und ich weinte auch garkeine Tränen.

tsc18d01p03

tsc18d01p04

And we sit down on the sofa and before us on the table lay the album with Andreas ' childhood pictures. And we held one another's

nodded. And I did not cry any tears.

ts-trc18d01p03

greater

Regularized form: grösser

performance

Regularized form: Mummenschanz

. So let us be friends now and good sisters for the sake of our dead brother Andreas .

ts-trc18d01p04

d1c22d01p16

d1c22d01p17

d1c22d01p18

d1c22d01p19

Note: 10*

d1c22d01p20

— Kan Du ikke se, hvilken Kunstner der er gaaet til Grunde med ham? ...... Hvor helt anderledes han var end Du?

d1c22d01p21

d1c22d01p22

d1-trc22d01p16

Note: This word literally means "Little Man."

d1-trc22d01p17

Did my sister say all this to me or was it just her eyes that told me? ...... I just nodded ...... and I cried

Note: The American edition says, "and kept nodding. I did not weep."

d1-trc22d01p18

d1-trc22d01p19

better if he had dragged on his tortured body and borne his hard fate until death took pity on him? Then she pointed to the wall that was filled with Andreas ' pictures:

d1-trc22d01p20

"Can't you see what an artist has been lost in him? ...... How completely different he was from you?"

d1-trc22d01p21

g1c18d01p04

"Then there was the day on which she said: ' Lili , perhaps no wrong has been done. It was

certainly the will of Andreas that everything should happen as it ought to happen. He was always chivalrous. And hence he released you, and withdrew his life for yours.'

a1c18d01p05

tsc18d01p05

ts-trc18d01p05

En anden Gang indrømmede min Søster :

d1c22d01p23

d1c22d01p24

Another time, my sister admitted:

d1-trc22d01p23

d1-trc22d01p24

g1c18d01p05

a1c18d01p06

Es war ein furchtbares, hartes Ringen zwischen uns beiden, zwischen der Schwester und mir, um meine Anerkennung als Mensch, als Schweste

Regularized form: r.

Regularized form: cher

tsc18d01p06

ts-trc18d01p06

d1c22d01p25

Han var klog og aandfuld, levende interesseret, han var et Menneske, der gravede i Dybden ...... Jeg var ganske overfladisk ...... og

d1c22d01p26

d1-trc22d01p25

He was smart and witty, curious, and contemplative ...... I was quite superficial ...... and

d1-trc22d01p26

g1c18d01p05

a1c18d01p07

tsc18d01p07

ts-trc18d01p07

d1c22d01p27

d1c22d01p28

d1c22d01p29

d1c22d01p30

d1-trc22d01p27

d1-trc22d01p28

Note: In Danish, the word "køn" is a homonym meaning both "pretty" and "gender."

; if I did not look good, I had lost any right to exist, to be a woman ...... because then I no longer did credit to the man who had created me, Professor Werner Kreutz .

d1-trc22d01p29

d1-trc22d01p30

g1c18d01p06

the "Strog"

Regularized form: the "Strög"

a1c18p006

tsc18p008

tsc18p009

ts-trc18p008

And then when approaching the townhall square on Inger 's arm, she saw a few fellow students of Andreas without being recognized by them, and one of them whispered to the other: "

Wow

Regularized form: Donnerwetter

what elegant women's legs!" – and he had meant Lili 's legs with that – Lili did not just take this as a compliment, but even as a hundred percent recognition of her identity as a woman.

ts-trc18p009

Men fra det Øjeblik, Lili flyttede ind i de to smaa Gavlværelser, begyndte hendes Mod at vende tilbage.

d1c22p010

d1c22p011

d1c22p012

d1c22p013

Nej, Lili behøvede ikke længere at være bange, ingen kunde se noget usædvanligt ved hende. Hun kunde roligt færdes overalt, uden at frygte for at blive genkendt.

d1c22p014

d1c22p015

But from the moment that Lili moved into the two small gabled rooms her courage began to return.

d1-trc22p010

d1-trc22p011

d1-trc22p012

Note: The main shopping street in Copenhagen, closed to traffic.

......

d1-trc22p013

No. Lili did not need to be afraid anymore, no one could see anything unusual about her. She could safely go anywhere without fearing to be recognised.

d1-trc22p014

One day when Inger and she were walking across Rådhuspladsen

Note: The town hall square.

d1-trc22p015

g1c18p006

Only one thing troubled her rather more than she liked

Regularized form: .

In contrast to Grete 's and Andreas '

a1c18p007

tsc18p010

ts-trc18p010

d1c22p016

Hun skrev om det i sin Dagbog:

d1c22p017

d1-trc22p016

She wrote about it in her diary:

d1-trc22p017

zimmer nicht mehr. Sie verschloß sich allen, konnte nicht fassen, weshalb keiner von Andreas ' Freunden den Weg zu ihr fand. Eine kleine Eintragung in ihr Tagebuch erzählt hiervon:

g1c18p007

a1c18d02p01

"Als ich am zweiten Tage meines

Regularized form: K

tsc18d01p01

ts-trc18d01p01

d1c22d02p01

d1-trc22d02p01

g1c18d02p01

Veijle

Regularized form: Vejle

a1c18p008

tsc18p011

Und Lili fuhr hin zu ihm. Wie eine Schlafwandlerin führte sie diesen Entschluss aus. "Tu e es,"

hatte

Regularized form: hatten

tsc18p012

Note: The American edition names the town, Veijle, a misspelling of Vejle, Einar Wegener's birthplace.

ts-trc18p011

ts-trc18p012

❡

Lili hat selber niemals den Schmutzartikel, den ein Pamphletist niedrigster Sorte über Andreas ' und ihr Schicksal veröffentlicht hatte, gelesen. Aber das Erscheinen dieses Artikels genügte, um in ihr den Entschluß zur Reife zu bringen, so schnell wie möglich Kopenhagen zu verlassen. Jetzt wußte sie, daß sie hier ihres Lebens nicht mehr würde froh werden können. Jetzt wußte sie, daß sie in Kopenhagen vogelfrei und geächtet war. Und fluchtartig verließ sie die Stadt. Am liebsten wäre sie sogleich zurück nach Deutschland gefahren, doch einer von Andreas ' Brüdern in Vejle , der Heimatstadt in Jütland , bat sie, zu ihm zu kommen, wenn auch nur für wenige Tage. Er wollte sie als Schwester aufnehmen und hegen, und wenn sie wollte, könnte sie bei ihm immer Obdach und Heimat, Ruhe und Frieden finden. Lili fuhr

g1c18p008

A few days before this Grete had left for the South—for Italy .

a1c18p009

Ein paar Tage vorher war Grete südwärts - nach Italien gereist.

tsc18p013

A few days before Grete had traveled south - to Italy .

ts-trc18p013

Et Par Dage før var Grete rejst sydpaa — til Italien .

d1c22p023

A couple of days earlier Grete had travelled south – to Italy .

d1-trc22p023

Ein paar Tage vorher war Grete südwärts – nach Italien gereist.

g1c18p009

D1-TR: Fra Mand til Kvinde (English Translation of Danish Edition)

Chapter 22

a1c18p001

tsc18p001

ts-trc18p001

d1c22p001

d1c22p002

d1-trc22p001

d1-trc22p002

g1c18p001

a1c18p002

es gerade dieses "normale Ehescheidungsgesetz", auf das sowohl die beauftragten Rechtsanwälte wie auch das Richterkollegium, denen die Angelegenheit zur Erledigung übergeben worden war, als einzige

Handhaber

Regularized form: Handhabe

tsc18p002

tsc18p003

tsc18p004

ts-trc18p002

ts-trc18p003

ts-trc18p004

d1c22p003

gøres, saa forlangte Loven først en Separation, hvor de to Ægtefæller skulde leve adskilte, inden man bevilgede den endelige Skilsmisse, og det vilde tage et Par Aar.

d1c22p004

d1c22p005

— Skulde jeg ikke kunne gøre det for Dig, svarede Lili glædestraalende, Du, som har ofret saa meget for mig? ...... Tror Du, at jeg i dette Øjeblik kunde tænke paa mig selv?

d1c22p006

d1c22p007

d1-trc22p003

be done the law required a separation first where the two spouses should live apart before the final divorce was granted and that would take a few years.

d1-trc22p004

d1-trc22p005

"Should I not be able to do that for you," Lili answered beaming with joy, "you who have sacrificed so much for me? ...... Do you think that I could think of myself at this moment?"

d1-trc22p006

Note: The American edition says this occurs on the 6th of October. The Wegeners' marriage was annulled by the court, not by decree of the King of Denmark.

it was declared by a special royal resolution that the marriage entered into by Andreas and Grete Sparre must be considered invalid.

d1-trc22p007

g1c18p002

Shortly before this Lili had left her sister 's villa and found a retreat in a couple of attics in the house of an acquaintance .

a1c18p003

Lili war kurz vorher aus der Villa der Schwester ausgezogen und hatte in dem Haus einer Bekannten ein paar Giebelstübchen für sich allein als Unterkunft gefunden.

tsc18p005

Lili had moved out of her sister 's villa shortly before and had found a few attic rooms in the house of an acquaintance as shelter for her alone.

ts-trc18p005

d1c22p008

d1-trc22p008

Lili war kurz vorher aus der Villa der Schwester ausgezogen und hatte in dem Haus einer Bekannten ein paar Giebelstübchen für sich als Unterkunft gefunden.

g1c18p003

a1c18p004

tsc18p006

ts-trc18p006

d1c22p008

d1-trc22p008

g1c18p004

On the 10th October she began. The first incident she recorded was her meeting with Andreas ' sister

Regularized form: .

a1c18p005

Am 10. Oktober begann sie dieses Tagebuch. Und sie schrieb:

tsc18p007

She began her diary on October 10. And she wrote:

ts-trc18p007

d1c22p008

d1-trc22p008

Am 10. Oktober begann sie. Das erste, was sie niederschrieb, war ihre Begegnung mit Andreas ' Schwester .

g1c18p005

a1c18d01p01

"Als ich am zweiten Tage meines

Regularized form: K

tsc18d01p01

ts-trc18d01p01

d1c22d01p01

d1c22d01p02

Selv om jeg aldrig vil komme til at male, saa vil dog det Billede, jeg saa i Spejlet, stadig staa tydeligt og klart for mig.

d1c22d01p03

d1c22d01p04

d1c22d01p05

d1c22d01p06

d1c22d01p07

Note: 10

Søskende, sine to Brødre og sin Søster . Dengang anede han endnu intet om den skæbnesvangre Livskamp, der ventede ham ...... han legede og var glad.

d1c22d01p08

d1-trc22d01p01

d1-trc22d01p02

Even if I would never paint, the image I saw in the mirror will still remain clear to me.

d1-trc22d01p03

d1-trc22d01p04

Note: "Vandreaar" (Danish) or "Wanderjahre" refers to a specific period of travelling and apprenticeship in a young man's life.

appeared before me.

d1-trc22d01p05

d1-trc22d01p06

d1-trc22d01p07

siblings, his two brothers and his sister . At that time he had no idea of the fateful life struggle that lay in store for him ...... he played and was happy.

d1-trc22d01p08

g1c18d01p01

a1c18d01p02

tsc18d01p02

Then the door opens and a woman with dark hair and blue eyes and hesitant arms steps into the room: Andreas ' sister . And I got up, and I stood before Andreas ' sister . And the sister

Note: "die Schwester" is translated as "my sister" in the American edition. We will retain the article rather than choose a possessive pronoun.

ts-trc18d01p02

d1c22d01p09

Saa sagde jeg:

d1c22d01p10

— Goddag! ...... Du maa være god mod din Søster Lili .

d1c22d01p11

Then the door opened and a lady with dark hair and blue eyes hesitantly stepped into the room. It was Andreas ' sister . I got up and stood right in front of her. She

Note: The American edition uses, "my sister" here, while the German edition uses, "the sister."

d1-trc22d01p09

Then I said:

d1-trc22d01p10

"Hello! ...... You must be kind to your sister Lili ."

d1-trc22d01p11

g1c18d01p02

I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all other well-groomed women.'

a1c18d01p03

tsc18d01p02

Then the door opens and a woman with dark hair and blue eyes and hesitant arms steps into the room: Andreas ' sister . And I got up, and I stood before Andreas ' sister . And the sister

Note: "die Schwester" is translated as "my sister" in the American edition. We will retain the article rather than choose a possessive pronoun.

ts-trc18d01p02

Maaske jeg ogsaa sagde noget andet. Maaske sagde jeg:

d1c22d01p12

— Tag godt imod mig og hold af mig, som Du holdt af Andreas .

d1c22d01p13

Eller maaske sagde jeg slet ingen Ting. Eller jeg smilede maaske bare og forklarede:

d1c22d01p14

d1c22d01p15

Perhaps I said something else too. Perhaps I said:

d1-trc22d01p12

"Please accept me and care for me as you cared for Andreas ."

d1-trc22d01p13

Or perhaps I did not say anything at all. Or perhaps I just smiled and explained:

d1-trc22d01p14

Note: The American edition says, "I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all other well-groomed women."

d1-trc22d01p15

g1c18d01p03

a1c18d01p04

Und dann setzten wir uns auf das Sofa, und vor uns lag auf dem Tisch das Album mit Andreas ' Kinderbildern. Und wir hielten lange

nur, nickte immer wieder. Und ich weinte auch garkeine Tränen.

tsc18d01p03

tsc18d01p04

And we sit down on the sofa and before us on the table lay the album with Andreas ' childhood pictures. And we held one another's

nodded. And I did not cry any tears.

ts-trc18d01p03

greater

Regularized form: grösser

performance

Regularized form: Mummenschanz

. So let us be friends now and good sisters for the sake of our dead brother Andreas .

ts-trc18d01p04

d1c22d01p16

d1c22d01p17

d1c22d01p18

d1c22d01p19

Note: 10*

d1c22d01p20

— Kan Du ikke se, hvilken Kunstner der er gaaet til Grunde med ham? ...... Hvor helt anderledes han var end Du?

d1c22d01p21

d1c22d01p22

d1-trc22d01p16

Note: This word literally means "Little Man."

d1-trc22d01p17

Did my sister say all this to me or was it just her eyes that told me? ...... I just nodded ...... and I cried

Note: The American edition says, "and kept nodding. I did not weep."

d1-trc22d01p18

d1-trc22d01p19

better if he had dragged on his tortured body and borne his hard fate until death took pity on him? Then she pointed to the wall that was filled with Andreas ' pictures:

d1-trc22d01p20

"Can't you see what an artist has been lost in him? ...... How completely different he was from you?"

d1-trc22d01p21

g1c18d01p04

"Then there was the day on which she said: ' Lili , perhaps no wrong has been done. It was

certainly the will of Andreas that everything should happen as it ought to happen. He was always chivalrous. And hence he released you, and withdrew his life for yours.'

a1c18d01p05

tsc18d01p05

ts-trc18d01p05

En anden Gang indrømmede min Søster :

d1c22d01p23

d1c22d01p24

Another time, my sister admitted:

d1-trc22d01p23

d1-trc22d01p24

g1c18d01p05

a1c18d01p06

Es war ein furchtbares, hartes Ringen zwischen uns beiden, zwischen der Schwester und mir, um meine Anerkennung als Mensch, als Schweste

Regularized form: r.

Regularized form: cher

tsc18d01p06

ts-trc18d01p06

d1c22d01p25

Han var klog og aandfuld, levende interesseret, han var et Menneske, der gravede i Dybden ...... Jeg var ganske overfladisk ...... og

d1c22d01p26

d1-trc22d01p25

He was smart and witty, curious, and contemplative ...... I was quite superficial ...... and

d1-trc22d01p26

g1c18d01p05

a1c18d01p07

tsc18d01p07

ts-trc18d01p07

d1c22d01p27

d1c22d01p28

d1c22d01p29

d1c22d01p30

d1-trc22d01p27

d1-trc22d01p28

Note: In Danish, the word "køn" is a homonym meaning both "pretty" and "gender."

; if I did not look good, I had lost any right to exist, to be a woman ...... because then I no longer did credit to the man who had created me, Professor Werner Kreutz .

d1-trc22d01p29

d1-trc22d01p30

g1c18d01p06

the "Strog"

Regularized form: the "Strög"

a1c18p006

tsc18p008

tsc18p009

ts-trc18p008

And then when approaching the townhall square on Inger 's arm, she saw a few fellow students of Andreas without being recognized by them, and one of them whispered to the other: "

Wow

Regularized form: Donnerwetter

what elegant women's legs!" – and he had meant Lili 's legs with that – Lili did not just take this as a compliment, but even as a hundred percent recognition of her identity as a woman.

ts-trc18p009

Men fra det Øjeblik, Lili flyttede ind i de to smaa Gavlværelser, begyndte hendes Mod at vende tilbage.

d1c22p010

d1c22p011

d1c22p012

d1c22p013

Nej, Lili behøvede ikke længere at være bange, ingen kunde se noget usædvanligt ved hende. Hun kunde roligt færdes overalt, uden at frygte for at blive genkendt.

d1c22p014

d1c22p015

But from the moment that Lili moved into the two small gabled rooms her courage began to return.

d1-trc22p010

d1-trc22p011

d1-trc22p012

Note: The main shopping street in Copenhagen, closed to traffic.

......

d1-trc22p013

No. Lili did not need to be afraid anymore, no one could see anything unusual about her. She could safely go anywhere without fearing to be recognised.

d1-trc22p014

One day when Inger and she were walking across Rådhuspladsen

Note: The town hall square.

d1-trc22p015

g1c18p006

Only one thing troubled her rather more than she liked

Regularized form: .

In contrast to Grete 's and Andreas '

a1c18p007

tsc18p010

ts-trc18p010

d1c22p016

Hun skrev om det i sin Dagbog:

d1c22p017

d1-trc22p016

She wrote about it in her diary:

d1-trc22p017

zimmer nicht mehr. Sie verschloß sich allen, konnte nicht fassen, weshalb keiner von Andreas ' Freunden den Weg zu ihr fand. Eine kleine Eintragung in ihr Tagebuch erzählt hiervon:

g1c18p007

a1c18d02p01

"Als ich am zweiten Tage meines

Regularized form: K

tsc18d01p01

ts-trc18d01p01

d1c22d02p01

d1-trc22d02p01

g1c18d02p01

Veijle

Regularized form: Vejle

a1c18p008

tsc18p011

Und Lili fuhr hin zu ihm. Wie eine Schlafwandlerin führte sie diesen Entschluss aus. "Tu e es,"

hatte

Regularized form: hatten

tsc18p012

Note: The American edition names the town, Veijle, a misspelling of Vejle, Einar Wegener's birthplace.

ts-trc18p011

ts-trc18p012

❡

Lili hat selber niemals den Schmutzartikel, den ein Pamphletist niedrigster Sorte über Andreas ' und ihr Schicksal veröffentlicht hatte, gelesen. Aber das Erscheinen dieses Artikels genügte, um in ihr den Entschluß zur Reife zu bringen, so schnell wie möglich Kopenhagen zu verlassen. Jetzt wußte sie, daß sie hier ihres Lebens nicht mehr würde froh werden können. Jetzt wußte sie, daß sie in Kopenhagen vogelfrei und geächtet war. Und fluchtartig verließ sie die Stadt. Am liebsten wäre sie sogleich zurück nach Deutschland gefahren, doch einer von Andreas ' Brüdern in Vejle , der Heimatstadt in Jütland , bat sie, zu ihm zu kommen, wenn auch nur für wenige Tage. Er wollte sie als Schwester aufnehmen und hegen, und wenn sie wollte, könnte sie bei ihm immer Obdach und Heimat, Ruhe und Frieden finden. Lili fuhr

g1c18p008

A few days before this Grete had left for the South—for Italy .

a1c18p009

Ein paar Tage vorher war Grete südwärts - nach Italien gereist.

tsc18p013

A few days before Grete had traveled south - to Italy .

ts-trc18p013

Et Par Dage før var Grete rejst sydpaa — til Italien .

d1c22p023

A couple of days earlier Grete had travelled south – to Italy .

d1-trc22p023

Ein paar Tage vorher war Grete südwärts – nach Italien gereist.

g1c18p009

G1: Ein Mensch wechselt sein Geschlecht (German Edition)

Chapter 18

a1c18p001

tsc18p001

ts-trc18p001

d1c22p001

d1c22p002

d1-trc22p001

d1-trc22p002

g1c18p001

a1c18p002

es gerade dieses "normale Ehescheidungsgesetz", auf das sowohl die beauftragten Rechtsanwälte wie auch das Richterkollegium, denen die Angelegenheit zur Erledigung übergeben worden war, als einzige

Handhaber

Regularized form: Handhabe

tsc18p002

tsc18p003

tsc18p004

ts-trc18p002

ts-trc18p003

ts-trc18p004

d1c22p003

gøres, saa forlangte Loven først en Separation, hvor de to Ægtefæller skulde leve adskilte, inden man bevilgede den endelige Skilsmisse, og det vilde tage et Par Aar.

d1c22p004

d1c22p005

— Skulde jeg ikke kunne gøre det for Dig, svarede Lili glædestraalende, Du, som har ofret saa meget for mig? ...... Tror Du, at jeg i dette Øjeblik kunde tænke paa mig selv?

d1c22p006

d1c22p007

d1-trc22p003

be done the law required a separation first where the two spouses should live apart before the final divorce was granted and that would take a few years.

d1-trc22p004

d1-trc22p005

"Should I not be able to do that for you," Lili answered beaming with joy, "you who have sacrificed so much for me? ...... Do you think that I could think of myself at this moment?"

d1-trc22p006

Note: The American edition says this occurs on the 6th of October. The Wegeners' marriage was annulled by the court, not by decree of the King of Denmark.

it was declared by a special royal resolution that the marriage entered into by Andreas and Grete Sparre must be considered invalid.

d1-trc22p007

g1c18p002

Shortly before this Lili had left her sister 's villa and found a retreat in a couple of attics in the house of an acquaintance .

a1c18p003

Lili war kurz vorher aus der Villa der Schwester ausgezogen und hatte in dem Haus einer Bekannten ein paar Giebelstübchen für sich allein als Unterkunft gefunden.

tsc18p005

Lili had moved out of her sister 's villa shortly before and had found a few attic rooms in the house of an acquaintance as shelter for her alone.

ts-trc18p005

d1c22p008

d1-trc22p008

Lili war kurz vorher aus der Villa der Schwester ausgezogen und hatte in dem Haus einer Bekannten ein paar Giebelstübchen für sich als Unterkunft gefunden.

g1c18p003

a1c18p004

tsc18p006

ts-trc18p006

d1c22p008

d1-trc22p008

g1c18p004

On the 10th October she began. The first incident she recorded was her meeting with Andreas ' sister

Regularized form: .

a1c18p005

Am 10. Oktober begann sie dieses Tagebuch. Und sie schrieb:

tsc18p007

She began her diary on October 10. And she wrote:

ts-trc18p007

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Am 10. Oktober begann sie. Das erste, was sie niederschrieb, war ihre Begegnung mit Andreas ' Schwester .

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"Als ich am zweiten Tage meines

Regularized form: K

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Selv om jeg aldrig vil komme til at male, saa vil dog det Billede, jeg saa i Spejlet, stadig staa tydeligt og klart for mig.

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Note: 10

Søskende, sine to Brødre og sin Søster . Dengang anede han endnu intet om den skæbnesvangre Livskamp, der ventede ham ...... han legede og var glad.

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Even if I would never paint, the image I saw in the mirror will still remain clear to me.

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Note: "Vandreaar" (Danish) or "Wanderjahre" refers to a specific period of travelling and apprenticeship in a young man's life.

appeared before me.

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siblings, his two brothers and his sister . At that time he had no idea of the fateful life struggle that lay in store for him ...... he played and was happy.

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Then the door opens and a woman with dark hair and blue eyes and hesitant arms steps into the room: Andreas ' sister . And I got up, and I stood before Andreas ' sister . And the sister

Note: "die Schwester" is translated as "my sister" in the American edition. We will retain the article rather than choose a possessive pronoun.

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Saa sagde jeg:

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— Goddag! ...... Du maa være god mod din Søster Lili .

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Then the door opened and a lady with dark hair and blue eyes hesitantly stepped into the room. It was Andreas ' sister . I got up and stood right in front of her. She

Note: The American edition uses, "my sister" here, while the German edition uses, "the sister."

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Then I said:

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"Hello! ...... You must be kind to your sister Lili ."

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I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all other well-groomed women.'

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Then the door opens and a woman with dark hair and blue eyes and hesitant arms steps into the room: Andreas ' sister . And I got up, and I stood before Andreas ' sister . And the sister

Note: "die Schwester" is translated as "my sister" in the American edition. We will retain the article rather than choose a possessive pronoun.

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Maaske jeg ogsaa sagde noget andet. Maaske sagde jeg:

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— Tag godt imod mig og hold af mig, som Du holdt af Andreas .

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Eller maaske sagde jeg slet ingen Ting. Eller jeg smilede maaske bare og forklarede:

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Perhaps I said something else too. Perhaps I said:

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"Please accept me and care for me as you cared for Andreas ."

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Or perhaps I did not say anything at all. Or perhaps I just smiled and explained:

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Note: The American edition says, "I want to be as pretty and ladylike as all other well-groomed women."

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Und dann setzten wir uns auf das Sofa, und vor uns lag auf dem Tisch das Album mit Andreas ' Kinderbildern. Und wir hielten lange

nur, nickte immer wieder. Und ich weinte auch garkeine Tränen.

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And we sit down on the sofa and before us on the table lay the album with Andreas ' childhood pictures. And we held one another's

nodded. And I did not cry any tears.

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greater

Regularized form: grösser

performance

Regularized form: Mummenschanz

. So let us be friends now and good sisters for the sake of our dead brother Andreas .

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Note: 10*

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— Kan Du ikke se, hvilken Kunstner der er gaaet til Grunde med ham? ...... Hvor helt anderledes han var end Du?

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Note: This word literally means "Little Man."

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Did my sister say all this to me or was it just her eyes that told me? ...... I just nodded ...... and I cried

Note: The American edition says, "and kept nodding. I did not weep."

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better if he had dragged on his tortured body and borne his hard fate until death took pity on him? Then she pointed to the wall that was filled with Andreas ' pictures:

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"Can't you see what an artist has been lost in him? ...... How completely different he was from you?"

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"Then there was the day on which she said: ' Lili , perhaps no wrong has been done. It was

certainly the will of Andreas that everything should happen as it ought to happen. He was always chivalrous. And hence he released you, and withdrew his life for yours.'

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En anden Gang indrømmede min Søster :

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Another time, my sister admitted:

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Es war ein furchtbares, hartes Ringen zwischen uns beiden, zwischen der Schwester und mir, um meine Anerkennung als Mensch, als Schweste

Regularized form: r.

Regularized form: cher

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Han var klog og aandfuld, levende interesseret, han var et Menneske, der gravede i Dybden ...... Jeg var ganske overfladisk ...... og

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He was smart and witty, curious, and contemplative ...... I was quite superficial ...... and

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Note: In Danish, the word "køn" is a homonym meaning both "pretty" and "gender."

; if I did not look good, I had lost any right to exist, to be a woman ...... because then I no longer did credit to the man who had created me, Professor Werner Kreutz .

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the "Strog"

Regularized form: the "Strög"

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And then when approaching the townhall square on Inger 's arm, she saw a few fellow students of Andreas without being recognized by them, and one of them whispered to the other: "

Wow

Regularized form: Donnerwetter

what elegant women's legs!" – and he had meant Lili 's legs with that – Lili did not just take this as a compliment, but even as a hundred percent recognition of her identity as a woman.

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Men fra det Øjeblik, Lili flyttede ind i de to smaa Gavlværelser, begyndte hendes Mod at vende tilbage.

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Nej, Lili behøvede ikke længere at være bange, ingen kunde se noget usædvanligt ved hende. Hun kunde roligt færdes overalt, uden at frygte for at blive genkendt.

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But from the moment that Lili moved into the two small gabled rooms her courage began to return.

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Note: The main shopping street in Copenhagen, closed to traffic.

......

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No. Lili did not need to be afraid anymore, no one could see anything unusual about her. She could safely go anywhere without fearing to be recognised.

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One day when Inger and she were walking across Rådhuspladsen

Note: The town hall square.

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Only one thing troubled her rather more than she liked

Regularized form: .

In contrast to Grete 's and Andreas '

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Hun skrev om det i sin Dagbog:

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She wrote about it in her diary:

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zimmer nicht mehr. Sie verschloß sich allen, konnte nicht fassen, weshalb keiner von Andreas ' Freunden den Weg zu ihr fand. Eine kleine Eintragung in ihr Tagebuch erzählt hiervon:

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"Als ich am zweiten Tage meines

Regularized form: K

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Veijle

Regularized form: Vejle

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Und Lili fuhr hin zu ihm. Wie eine Schlafwandlerin führte sie diesen Entschluss aus. "Tu e es,"

hatte

Regularized form: hatten

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Note: The American edition names the town, Veijle, a misspelling of Vejle, Einar Wegener's birthplace.

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❡

Lili hat selber niemals den Schmutzartikel, den ein Pamphletist niedrigster Sorte über Andreas ' und ihr Schicksal veröffentlicht hatte, gelesen. Aber das Erscheinen dieses Artikels genügte, um in ihr den Entschluß zur Reife zu bringen, so schnell wie möglich Kopenhagen zu verlassen. Jetzt wußte sie, daß sie hier ihres Lebens nicht mehr würde froh werden können. Jetzt wußte sie, daß sie in Kopenhagen vogelfrei und geächtet war. Und fluchtartig verließ sie die Stadt. Am liebsten wäre sie sogleich zurück nach Deutschland gefahren, doch einer von Andreas ' Brüdern in Vejle , der Heimatstadt in Jütland , bat sie, zu ihm zu kommen, wenn auch nur für wenige Tage. Er wollte sie als Schwester aufnehmen und hegen, und wenn sie wollte, könnte sie bei ihm immer Obdach und Heimat, Ruhe und Frieden finden. Lili fuhr

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A few days before this Grete had left for the South—for Italy .

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Ein paar Tage vorher war Grete südwärts - nach Italien gereist.

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A few days before Grete had traveled south - to Italy .

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Et Par Dage før var Grete rejst sydpaa — til Italien .

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A couple of days earlier Grete had travelled south – to Italy .

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Ein paar Tage vorher war Grete südwärts – nach Italien gereist.

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